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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27337045">The Day the World Went Dark</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/krazikrys/pseuds/krazikrys'>krazikrys</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Backstreet Boys</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Arguing, Character Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, NaNoWriMo, NaNoWriMo 2020, September 11 Attacks, What-If</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 00:00:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>43,489</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27337045</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/krazikrys/pseuds/krazikrys</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Brian Littrell's life changed in one instant.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Brian Littrell/Leighanne Littrell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prologue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This story takes place on the "Black and Blue World Tour."</p><p>Don't know them. Never met them. Pure fiction!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center"><p><br/>

  </p>
<h2>Prologue</h2></div><p>September 10, 2001</p><p>“I thought you had canceled it,” Brian whispered to his wife. They were sitting in the back of an inconspicuous white van heading back to their hotel. The other seats were occupied by either Brian’s bandmates or their bodyguards. There was even a second van behind theirs carrying the other bodyguards and two more from Brian’s group, the Backstreet Boys. They had just finished their third and final performance there in Boston at the Fleet Center. The next morning, they were heading across the border into Canada for three shows in Toronto.</p><p>“Well, I haven’t,” Leighanne whispered back. They were trying to keep their voices down so no one in the van would catch on that they were arguing.</p><p>“But just last week you told me you were staying on through Canada.” Brian stated plainly, trying to keep the anger out of his voice. </p><p>They had decided to skip the two-day drive from Dallas and instead hopped on a plane and flew to New York City. The second had been their first wedding anniversary. The four days off were his only real break on this leg. They were supposed to be done with the tour before his anniversary, but then Alex had gone into rehab and set them back a month and a half. The only way he had agreed to the rescheduled dates was that he had to have September second off. So he and his wife had gone to New York City for four days before meeting up with the rest of the group. Of course, they had security with them. Tom, Brian’s own bodyguard, had sent Q with them. Brian didn’t mind. At twenty-six he was already getting used to the life of a celebrity. On the plane ride there, Leighanne had told Brian she was going to stay with him at least until they finished the Canadian dates, then she’d likely fly home to Georgia. Brian knew she had an appointment on the eleventh, so her saying she would stay meant that she would be canceling that appointment. The fact that she hadn’t wasn’t lost on him.</p><p>The vans pulled up to the underground entrance to the hotel. Brian was glad they were going in this way so as not to attract any fan attention. Not that he didn’t love screaming and adoration they poured out, but at this moment, he really didn’t want to be sidetracked.</p><p>“I know,” Leighanne whispered, as they were motioned out of the vehicle and towards the elevator. “But I’ve rescheduled this appointment so many times.”</p><p>Brian closed his eyes and climbed in the back of the elevator with his wife. Normally he would grab her hand, but he fought to stop himself this time. “I still don’t know why you still have appointments out there anyway,” he whispered in her ear as the elevator began its ascent. He saw his wife roll her eyes towards the ceiling and huff.</p><p>“You know why,” she whispered back, leaning over to speak in his ear. Brian set his jaw and waited to continue their conversation. He had been trying for the past month to move all her appointments to closer to home. They had recently purchased an estate on the outskirts of Atlanta, Georgia, and were in the process of laying down roots. They were talking about starting a family. So the only reason Brian could see why she still had appointments in Los Angeles was that she was still holding on to the dream of becoming an actress. She’d done a couple of small films that had gone straight to video with no theatrical release. Brian knew that was also why he kept paying the rent on the apartment out there. She needed a place to stay when she went out to California.</p><p>The doors opened into the lobby and they had to switch elevators. As the pair walked, Brian growled, “But why did you tell me <em>before</em> the show?”</p><p>“That was the only chance I had to talk to you,” she admitted, brushing her long blonde hair off her shoulder. “You were busy all day.”</p><p>“And telling me before the show was a good thing? I could hardly concentrate!”</p><p>Leighanne snorted. “Well, anyone who was there last night and tonight could probably tell that.”</p><p>Brian sighed. He did drop the ball that night, he knew it. “So what time would you be leaving?” he asked, resigned to the fact that his wife was headed off to Los Angeles.</p><p>“I think it’s five,” she said calmly. “I’ll be going with Danny.” Brian raised an eyebrow as they reached the elevator and waited with their bodyguards who were obviously ignoring them, but were still listening to the conversation. “His wife is due any day with their first child…” she said, jogging Brian’s memory.</p><p>Brian huffed and crossed his arms. He stared up at the lights on the elevator as they slowly lit up coming ever closer to the lobby. “I still think you should cancel. You told me you were going to stay.”</p><p>“I’m not going to, Brian!” Leighanne’s voice was controlled but just below a shout. Her cell phone rang in her purse, but she ignored it. “I told you. I’ve canceled this appointment like a dozen times. I’m not going to this time!”</p><p>The elevator arrived and Brian held his tongue as a few people got out. As soon as everyone was out of the way, he pushed his way past everyone and put himself in the far corner. “Fine!” he growled. “Go ahead! Call me from the airport!” He crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. </p><p>Leighanne took the opposite corner and Howie stood against the wall between them. In front of them, Marc, Howie’s bodyguard, leaned over to Tom and whispered, “Trouble in paradise?” Tom shrugged. He’d heard worse from the pair.</p><p>As the elevator arrived at their floor, Brian pushed past everyone and stormed off down the hallway to his room. He had just reached the door and was inserting his card key when he remembered that he was married. He glanced at the gold band on his left hand. Things were different now. Leighanne would be coming back to the room. It wasn’t like before when they kept separate rooms on tour or lived separately and they could be in separate spaces and still be mad at each other. Getting into an argument on tour was always a bad idea. Brian should’ve remembered that from the times he and the other guys all shared the same bus. Back in those days, they always tried to resolve any conflicts before getting on the bus together whether things tended to escalate with everyone being trapped together.</p><p>Standing at the door, he waited for her. His mind raced around why she was deciding now was the time to keep this appointment. He’d heard her on the phone changing it about half a dozen times. He couldn’t understand why she couldn’t just have made the appointment back in July or August. The group had taken a month and a half off while their friend and bandmate, AJ McLean had gone into rehab to get himself clean. Leighanne had even gone out to Los Angeles for a week during that time frame for an audition. As she approached him with Tom right behind her, staring at him, he knew he was in for it. Thankfully Tom didn’t say anything, only stared him down and Brian knew his place. He wasn’t supposed to storm off like that. He mumbled an apology and Tom nodded before heading off down the hallway to his own room.</p><p>Sliding the card key back into the door again, he waited for the mechanism to click before turning the doorknob and leading them into their suite. “Why didn’t you make this appointment back in July when you were there?” he asked, trying to even his tone and not sound upset.</p><p>“I tried,” Leighanne told him. “But they couldn’t get me in.”</p><p>“So why now?” he asked, following her into the bedroom and sitting down on the edge of the bed.</p><p>She shrugged. “I just want to get it done and over with. You’ve heard me change this appointment, what four? Five times?”</p><p>He smiled weakly as she sat down beside him. “Something like that. At least since April.” He sighed. There really wasn’t any reason for them to fight. “So what time are you leaving?”</p><p>She shrugged. “I think a couple of hours after you do. Skip said we could sleep a little longer than the rest of y’all and leave together. I think the flight leaves about eight.”</p><p>Brian nodded and slipped his hand into hers. “I still want you to call me from the airport.”</p><p>“Of course,” she replied, leaning over and kissing her husband on the cheek. “Why are you so adamant about me staying with you?”</p><p>Brian shrugged. “I don’t know. I just have a bad feeling about this.”</p><p>Leighanne smiled and playfully pushed Brian’s shoulder. “Come on, Bri. People fly every day. You can’t tell me you’re still afraid of flying.”</p><p>“It’s not that,” Brian said, shaking his head slowly. "I just have a really bad feeling about this, okay.”</p><p>“Oh, Brian,” she scoffed. “It’s a non-stop flight. It’s not like I’m gonna miss a connection and it’s really unlikely that we’ll crash.”</p><p>Brian leaned his head on her shoulder. “I know. I just wish you wouldn’t go.”</p><p>Leighanne gently patted Brian’s knee. “How ‘bout this? I’ll call you from the airport <em>and</em> when we land, okay?”</p><p>“What time would that be?”</p><p>Thinking for a minute, Leighanne said, “I think it’s about eleven-thirty local time.”</p><p>“So like two-thirty,” he said automatically. His brain was so used to timezones, he could almost convert anything. “We should be in Toronto by then.” He watched as his wife yawned and then glanced at the clock. It was almost midnight. “It’s getting late,” he said.</p><p>She smiled at him. “And unlike you, I can’t go right back to sleep,” she teased. The pair took some time to make sure they were packed and ready to go in a few hours. Brian double-checked that his bags were next to the door. He knew he was only going to get a few hours of sleep, but he’d be able to sleep on the bus as they headed to Canada. He climbed underneath the covers and snuggled his wife, loving the fact that they got at least a few hours to do this. He hated the fact that she was leaving him to fly across the country for an appointment. And he couldn’t shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen. He tried to push the thought out of his mind as he drifted off to sleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <h2>Chapter One</h2>
</div><p>September 11, 2001</p><p>The alarm clock beside the bed went off at three-thirty. Bleary-eyed, Brian stared at the numbers that he couldn’t quite make out. He knew it was early and that they were leaving at four. Nudging his wife, he rolled out of bed and grumbled. He really despised these early morning rollouts. But at least he got to sleep a few hours in an actual bed and maybe he’d fall back asleep when he got on the bus. Stumbling around in the darkness, not wanting to wake his wife, he dug out a pair of jeans and tee-shirt and quickly changed his clothes. He didn’t even bother with his toiletries since he’d already packed them and was really planning on falling back asleep once he was on the bus.</p><p>Leaning over, he kissed his wife on the cheek. She mumbled something that sounded like “I love you,” but Brian wasn’t entirely sure. “I love you, too, Hon,” he whispered to her. “Don’t forget. You need to get up and get moving soon. You and Danny are leaving at five-thirty. Just leave the keys in the room.” Leighanne grunted her understanding and Brian kissed her cheek again before heading out the door with his suitcase rolling behind him and his duffle bag slung over his shoulder.</p><p>He wasn’t the only one ambling down the hallway at this hour either. Most of the crew was leaving as well. Dragging himself down the hallway, he met up with fellow group members, Nick Carter and Kevin Richardson, his cousin. Howie Dorough was ahead of him and behind him, he could hear AJ McLean mumbling as they all reached the elevator. No one said much as they rode down to the parking structure and waved at one another as they boarded their respected busses. Once Brian had tossed his bags on to a bottom bunk, he climbed into another bunk and promptly fell asleep before the bus even started rolling.</p><p>Two hours later, Brian thought he heard his cell phone ringing. He groped for it next to him in the bunk and eventually found it just about under his pillow. Somehow, he managed to answer it on the fourth ring. “Hello?” he groaned.</p><p>“Hey, Husband! Did I wake you?” It was Leighanne and she sounded perky.</p><p>“Yeah, kinda, but that’s okay,” Brian grumbled back. He was slowly becoming more aware of his surroundings. He was careful as he rolled out of his bunk so he didn’t hit his head.</p><p>“Well, Danny and I got here okay,” she told him.</p><p>Slowly, Brian stood up and stretched. He carefully walked back towards the back of the bus before saying anything. “Well, that’s good,” he told her as he fished for a pen and something to write on. “What flight are you on?” It was something they always gave the other, just to be informed.</p><p>“Um, Danny and I are on American Airlines flight eleven,” she said. Brian frantically scrawled down “AA Fl. 11” on the small scrap of paper he had found. “Right now it says we’re on time for departure.”</p><p>“That’s good.” He yawned and tried to keep her from knowing. “Well, have a safe trip. I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too,” she told him. “Have a good show tomorrow night. I’ll call you when I land.”</p><p>“Okay, Hon, bye.”</p><p>“Bye.” Leighanne hung up first and Brian took a moment to stare at his phone. He had a very eerie feeling, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on why. He didn’t want to go back to bed in case this feeling turned out to be something serious. Instead, he lounged in the chair he was presently sitting in, eventually dozing off.</p><p>* * *</p><p>Leighanne Littrell hung up her cell phone and glanced over at her traveling companion. Danny was on the phone, she knew, checking in with his wife. It was only about six-thirty in the morning, so it was even earlier in California. Sitting in the semi-comfortable chair, she crossed her legs and bounced her foot. She watched through the windows at the outside, watching it come into sharper focus as it got lighter out. She sighed. She had intended to cancel this flight and not head back to Los Angeles. When she had told Brian that she was going to stay with them through Canada, she had almost done it then.</p><p>She sighed again and looked over at Danny who had just gotten off the phone. “Everything okay?” she asked. He nodded. “I’m gonna go get a coffee,” she said, standing up and stretching. “Do you want anything?” He shook his head slowly and looked away. Leighanne could tell he was nervous. She was nervous too and it had nothing to do with the flight. Walking over to the stand, she dug out her credit card as she walked. She couldn’t believe she was actually at the airport. When she had told her husband a little more than a week ago that she was staying, she was convinced she was. But that first night back with the tour, while he was on stage… things changed. She knew while he was performing was really the only chance she had to be alone and she took it. After that night, she decided to keep her flight back to Los Angeles. She felt awful for letting Brian believe for a week that she was still staying with him. She felt even worse breaking it to him the way she did.</p><p>Gathering her coffee and walking back to her seat, she glanced around at those beginning to gather at gate B32. Most looked like business travelers. She smiled. It seemed like it was going to be a small flight. She was actually looking forward to the long flight so she could think. There was a lot that was swirling around in her mind. Hopefully, it would be an uneventful flight.</p><p>* * *</p><p>Brian was still asleep, sitting up in the chair with his phone in his hand when it rang. He groaned and dropped it. Leaning over, he reached for it through heavily lidded eyes. “Hello?” he mumbled, figuring it was probably too early for Leighanne to be calling him.</p><p>“Hey Bri, it’s Kev. Are you listening to this?”</p><p>“Listening to what?” Brian asked, groggily. He tipped his head to the side, feeling the kink in his neck from falling asleep sitting up.</p><p>“What’s happening in New York,” replied Kevin.</p><p>“Something’s happening?”</p><p>Kevin sighed. Sometimes his cousin was so hard-headed, especially when he wasn’t awake. “Just turn on your radio.”</p><p>“Any specific channel?”</p><p>“It shouldn’t matter,” Kevin groaned. “As long as it’s in English, you should get it.”</p><p>“Okay,” Brian said, standing up carefully on the moving bus. “I will. Thanks, Kev.” He hung up and walked slowly to the stereo mounted to the wall there at the back of the bus. He fidgeted with the power button and then scrolled through the dial until he heard someone speaking English. It seemed to be a synchronous feed with CNN. He had only been listening for a moment when there was a loud booming sound. A moment later, the news anchor was saying it was another explosion. Then a minute later they clarified, saying it was a second plane and it had crashed into the second tower of the World Trade Center. Another minute and the newsman recapped what had happened. Apparently, about fifteen minutes ago, a plane had crashed into the first tower of the World Trade Center. </p><p>Brian backed up carefully and fell back into the chair he had been dozing in. He stared at nothing particular. He listened as the news speculated that it might be a terrorist attack and they were waiting on remarks from the president. Brian couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He felt like he was in a dream. He was sure the images that were being splashed across televisions were something out of a movie. He was glad he only had the radio on the bus.</p><p>Around nine-thirty, CNN cut to President George W. Bush, who was in Sarasota, Florida. His statement was brief and he did mention that it was an act of terrorism. Once the president was off the air, the news started reporting that he was headed back to Washington, D.C. Brian knew better though. The news was likely being fed that information while he was moved to some undisclosed location. It was no different than when they were trying to avoid fans.</p><p>Shortly after the President’s statement, one of the news anchors said that one of the plans that crashed into the World Trade Center was believed to be an American Airlines seven-sixty-seven out of Boston, Massachusetts. The words were barely out of the news person’s mouth when Brian’s phone rang again. This time when Brian answered it, he was surprised to hear Howie’s voice on the other end.</p><p>“Can you believe this, Brian?”</p><p>“No, not really,” he said flatly, getting up to turn down the radio.</p><p>“Did you hear what they said about one of the planes being from Boston?”</p><p>Brian sighed. “I did.” He could hear the panic rising in Howie’s voice.</p><p>“Do you think it’s the plane Danny and Leighanne are on?”</p><p>Brian actually shook his head, though Howie couldn’t see him. “I highly doubt it,” he remarked. “I mean, there were lots of flights out of Boston. I’m sure there were more than a few from American.”</p><p>Howie seemed to calm down some after Brian’s statement. “If you think so, Brian. What flight were they on, anyway?”</p><p>Brian paused, trying to remember. “Eleven, I think.”</p><p>“Okay, well, I’ll let you go then,” Howie said. A moment later they hung up. Brian turned the volume back up and then moved back to the chair he had been occupying. He sat there and listened as the news reporters recapped what had happened, what they knew, and played some soundbites of the president’s statement. Brian glanced at his watch. He couldn’t believe he’d been listening to what had been going on for nearly an hour.</p><p>Deciding he needed a change of scenery, Brian carefully made his way to the front of the bus. “Hey, Mike,” he said to his drive. “Are you listening to this?” He plopped himself down behind the table near the front of the bus.</p><p>“Yeah,” Mike replied, somehow managing to keep his eyes on the road. “Kinda unreal.”</p><p>“You can say that again,” Brian stated. “Like a movie or something.”</p><p>“A horror movie.”</p><p>Brian nodded at Mike’s comment and turned himself sideways on the bench seat so he could listen. Brian had just gotten comfortable when there was a rumble on the radio. “Was that another explosion?” Brian wondered aloud. Mike shrugged and kept driving. Slowly it was revealed that it was Tower Two, the second tower to be hit. Brian gasped and held his breath for a moment. Finally, he said, his voice barely above a whisper, “This is just crazy, Mike. Leighanne and I were just there last week.” </p><p>Mike raised an eyebrow and peaked over at Brian but turned his eyes back to the road. He knew both Brian and Leighanne pretty well, having driven for them on this tour. He sighed and waited for Brian to continue.</p><p>“We went up to the top of the North Tower. Hundred and seven floors. You could see forever! And the South Tower was right there! I can’t believe it’s gone,” Brian mused, looking down at the table in front of him. “I do hope everyone got out to safety.”</p><p>“So do I,” Mike said softly.</p><p>The men sat there in silence, listening to what was going on. There were lots of reports of crashes, fires, bombs, destruction all over. Brian knew that it couldn’t all be true. What was certain was there were two plane crashes in New York and another one in Washington at the Pentagon. Reports of an explosion at the Pentagon later turned into that the outer ring had collapsed. And more smoke at the World Trade Center and it was eventually determined that the North Tower had collapsed.</p><p>Brian sat there stunned. He had just been there with Leighanne. They had spent their anniversary in New York City doing all the touristy things that they never really got to do on tour. Leighanne had even been the one to convince Brian to go up to the observation deck of the World Trade Center. Brian sighed at the memory. Mike glanced back at him again.</p><p>Without realizing it, Brian felt a twinge in his shoulders. He had been sitting stock still for so long it was no wonder his body was starting to revolt. Mike continued driving in silence, the only noise was the engine and the sound of the reporters which was quickly becoming background noise. Brian knew they were somewhere in the state of New York on their way to Toronto, Canada.</p><p>Suddenly, something that was said on the radio snapped Brian out of his trance. It was something about American Airlines flight eleven. Brian attempted to focus his attention on what was being said. He realized that the news was reporting that American Airlines had “lost” two planes, one being flight eleven out of Boston headed to Los Angeles, the other being flight seventy-seven from Dulles International Airport near Washington, DC. That flight was also going to Los Angeles. The news anchor had just finished the statement about the planes when Brian’s phone rang for the fourth time that morning. It was Kevin again.</p><p>“Cuz, are you okay?” Kevin asked, sounding concerned.</p><p>Brian just grunted a response, not really sure what to say. He knew he wasn’t “okay,” but he wasn’t sure <em>what</em> he was feeling at that moment.</p><p>“Look, Cuz, we need to talk,” Kevin said softly. “Howie told me what flight Danny and Leighanne were on.” Brian sighed. “I’m gonna get the drivers to pull over at the next safe location, okay?”</p><p>Brian grunted again, not really sure what to say. He heard his cousin hang up and he stared at his phone as if he had forgotten how to use it. Mike glanced back at him again but didn’t say anything. Brian was grateful for that. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. He didn’t even really want to see anyone. He just wanted to curl up in his bunk and hope when he woke up, it would all be a dream. At any moment he was going to wake up and everything was going to be back to normal.</p><p>Somewhere in the distance, Brian heard the crackle of a radio and someone talking over it. He then heard Mike acknowledge what was said. Someone said something about him, but Brian wasn’t really paying attention. Slowly, he got up and moved carefully to the back of the bus again. It was always hazardous walking while the bus was in motion, but he managed it. He sank down into the same chair he had dozed off in earlier and just sat there. The radio was off in the back and he could barely hear the sound from Mike’s radio up front. He felt the bus continuing to move over the Interstate. He leaned forward and clasped his hands between his knees. He stared at the carpeted floor, unable to focus on anything. There was a weight in his chest that seemed to make breathing difficult. The was a pounding in his head that seemed to match his heartbeat. Trying to think was difficult. Everything was foggy. He couldn’t wrap his mind around anything at that moment. The only thing he saw right then was his wife’s peaceful sleeping form as he was kissing her goodbye that morning.</p><p>A short time later, Brian felt the lurch of the bus stopping and heard the air brakes hiss. Moments later, the doors of the bus hissed open and several sets of footsteps trod down the short hall towards the back of the bus. It was eerily silent for a moment. Then thunder to Brian’s ears as everyone started talking at once. Brian just continued to sit there in silence, letting the sound fill the quiet space. Based on the voices he heard, he knew that his cousin, Kevin, was closest to him. Howie and Nick were across from him, probably still standing and Alex and Skip, the tour manager, had sat down on a couch nearby. It seemed like forever, but Brian knew it was only a few moments before Skip managed to get everyone to stop talking.</p><p>“Okay, guys, look,” Skip started. “I hate to give you the business side of things at a time like this, but we are expected in Toronto, Ontario, Canada tomorrow night. In light of everything that’s happened, the US <em>may</em> close its borders to Canada and Mexico. If we aren’t on the other side when they do that, we might as well cancel all of Toronto’s shows because we won’t know <em>when</em> the borders will open again. And even when we do get there, we might still be canceling, or at least postponing shows.” He looked over at Brian when he said this. Brian didn’t even look up. “But we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Right now, we do need to get on the road rather quickly.” The other four men nodded their agreement. Skip, having said his piece headed back to the front of the bus and stepped out of the vehicle onto the ground.</p><p>Once Skip had left, the bus was eerily silent. The radio quietly droned on about what was going on in New York City and Washington, DC. Howie and Nick eventually sat down and everyone stared at Brian. No one dared to say anything for fear of saying the wrong thing.</p><p>The minutes slowly ticked by. Finally, Brian said in almost a whisper, “I’m a widower.” Everyone stared at him.</p><p>“You don’t know that for sure,” Howie said.</p><p>“Yeah, Bri, they said that flight eleven was ‘lost.’ That could mean anything.” Nick tried to be reassuring.</p><p>Brian fought the urge to roll his eyes. Slowly he looked up at everyone. To everyone’s surprise, his eyes were dry; his face a stoic mask. No one could really tell what he was feeling or what was going on inside his mind. It was a startling change for them all. Brian was usually the easiest to read of the whole group. “Come on, Nick,” he said quietly. “Let’s be real about this. They said two hours ago that one of the planes that hit the Towers was an American Airlines flight out of Boston. Now American is confirming that they ‘lost’ two planes; one out of Boston and out of Dulles. It’s too much of a coincidence.” Brian sighed before continuing. “I highly doubt that there were two American Airlines flights out of Boston involved in this. And the fact that they said that one of the planes that were lost was flight eleven… It’s just too much to say keep your hopes up.” Glancing at the men around him, he said even more quietly, “No one survived the impact of those planes hitting the Towers. And now that both Towers have collapsed, there are probably not a whole lot of survivors.”</p><p>Everyone stared at Brian. He was being way too rational and logical with everything going on. Howie shot a worried glance at Kevin. “Brian, let one of us stay with you. At least until we get to Toronto.”</p><p>“Kev,” Brian stated, looking at his cousin, “I’m fine, really.” He slowly looked at the rest of his bandmates.</p><p>“Do you think you’ll be able to go on with the shows?” Alex asked. The room cringed.</p><p>Brian shrugged. “Right now, I really don’t know. It’s kinda a lot to take in right now.”</p><p>The four men nodded their agreement with that statement. Danny had also been on that plane. He had been so excited to be a dad. They all felt the grief weighing on them. But they also knew Brian was going through something so much more. Kevin stared at his cousin. He couldn’t understand how Brian could be sitting there so stoically and calm. If it had been Kristin on that plane, he didn’t know what he would do.</p><p>They all slowly got up to leave while Brian continued to sit there. His gaze had once again dropped to the floor. Kevin and Howie both patted Brian’s shoulder before heading down the hall and exiting the bus. Nick and Alex didn’t say much as they left. Once everyone had gotten off the bus and headed back to their respective busses, Mike walked back to where Brian was sitting. “Are you sure you’re okay, man?” he asked.</p><p>“Yeah, Mike, I’m okay right now,” Brian sighed. “Let’s just get going so we can make our stop across the border, okay?”</p><p>“You’re the boss,” he said to Brian and headed back to his place in the driver’s seat. Brian heard the bus start and felt it slowly rumble back onto the highway. Brian wasn’t sure where they had stopped, but he assumed it was a rest area somewhere. It would look too strange to have several tour busses stopped on the side of the road for any length of time. He hoped Skip wasn’t in too much of a rage about the amount of time they had stopped. By Brian’s calculations, it had been about a thirty-minute stop.</p><p>Sitting there, Brian tried to wrap his mind around what had happened. By his timing in his head, shortly after he had turned on the radio, Leighanne had already died. But it took another two hours for it even to be somewhat confirmed. And saying the plane was “lost” just meant that it wasn’t on the radar. If it wasn’t on the radar that usually meant something bad had happened. Usually when the news reported that a plane was “lost,” it meant that it had crashed somewhere and no one really knew where. Brian couldn’t get his hopes up. He knew that Leighanne was gone. There were no two ways about it. One of the planes that had hit the Towers had been an American Airlines flight from Boston. And now the very flight Leighanne had been on was “lost.” It was too much of a coincidence not to be true.</p><p>Brian knew he should do something, anything. Call his parents. Call her parents. Call his brother. Call her sisters. But every time he tried to move, he couldn’t. Breathing was about the only thing he could do and that was only because he didn’t have to think about it. He couldn’t really think about much: not the tour, the next show, or even where they were going. The only thing that crossed his mind was that at twenty-six years old, he was a widower. He sighed. Leighanne had been his world. They were going to start a family together. They had finally decided the previous week to start trying in earnest.</p><p>Somehow, in all the stress and shock, Brian dozed off again in the chair, slumping back as emotional exhaustion took him back to the only place that was safe at the moment.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <h2>Chapter Two</h2>
</div><p>September 11, 2001</p><p>Brian awoke to the lurch of the bus stopping. In his haze, he heard the air brakes hiss. Glancing around him, he caught sight of the digital clock set into the wall. Taking a moment to get his bearings, he realized they must be at the US-Canadian border. They always got stopped, no matter what. And when they traveled separately like this, they always waited on the other side for everyone to get through the checkpoint. Brian heard the door wheeze open and he stood up. Moving as quickly as he dared, he dug out his passport and his driver’s license from the side pocket of his duffle bag. He had just retrieved his documents when a couple of armed guards stomped onto the bus.</p><p>“Sir,” one of the men said, lowering his rifle slowly, “you’re going to have to exit the bus.”</p><p>Brian held his passport in his left hand and his license in his right. His hands were up by his shoulders, mainly because he had been surprised by the fact that the guards were armed. Slowly he followed the one guard who was a few inches taller than him off the bus. He was directed to stand next to Mike, who sighed as he saw the young singer. Brian waited as the guard took a long time with Mike, asking him questions, checking not only his driver’s license but also his logbook. When they finally finished with Mike, the tall guard approached Brian and asked for his documents. Brian didn’t say anything, but handed over his passport and license and waited. He closed his eyes and tried not to think of anything as his passport was scrutinized and his license was stared at. He opened his eyes when he heard sniffing and saw a black labrador being led up the stairs into the bus. He glanced over at Mike who winced. Brian knew they had to be looking for either explosives or drugs and they weren’t going to find any on his bus. When nothing was found and the dog was ushered off the bus, one guard told Mike he was free to go and the one in front of Brian said, “Okay, Mister Littrell, everything looks good here.”</p><p>Brian tried not to snatch his documents from the guard as he grabbed them and followed Mike up the stairs of his bus. There was a slight lingering odor of the dog, but Brian ignored it and headed back to the chair he had been occupying for some time now.</p><p>* * *</p><p>While Brian’s bus was being searched, Nick and Kevin had been standing outside of their busses talking. “Are you sure he’s okay, Kevin?” Nick asked, running a hand over the back of his neck. “I mean, he’s way too calm.”</p><p>Kevin nodded. “It’s probably shock. I wouldn’t worry about him just yet.”</p><p>“What if we have to cancel shows?”</p><p>Kevin shrugged and placed a hand on Nick’s shoulder. “So what if we do? Would it be a bad thing to take a little break?” </p><p>Nick shrugged. “But we just got back on tour. Won’t it look bad if we start canceling shows again?”</p><p>Smiling softly, Kevin placed his other hand on Nick’s shoulder and held him there. “Once the passenger lists are released, there will be no question as to <em>why</em> we canceled. But if need be, we’ll put out a statement. But really it’s up to him.” Nick sighed and looked away. “Nick,” Kevin said softly, “I know you’re worried about Brian; we all are. But right now, he needs his space. He’ll talk when he’s ready to.”</p><p>Nick looked back into Kevin’s green eyes. “What if it had been Kirstin? Would you be doing the same thing?”</p><p>“I honestly don’t know, Nick,” Kevin said stepping back from the young man. “I can’t imagine what Brian is going through. I mean, I’ve lost my dad, but it wasn’t anything like this.”</p><p>* * *</p><p>Back on his bus, Brian settled back down into the chair that he had been dozing in. There was still a distance to travel to the hotel. Brian really wanted to get some more sleep, but he didn’t dare lie down in a bunk. He felt that he needed to be uncomfortable. There was no reason for him to be comfortable. He’d never be comfortable again, not without his wife lying by his side. He dozed in and out as they continued towards their destination.</p><p>When they stopped again, Brian was startled awake. The sunlight streaming through the bus windows told him it was afternoon. It was only then that Brian realized he hadn’t eaten all day. He had been consumed by what had been going on that morning and eating had been the farthest thing from his mind at the time. Now, his stomach was growling and he was feeling lightheaded. Looking around, Brian slowly stood up and headed towards the front of the bus. His bus driver, Mike, was still sitting in his seat, the engine idling. “What’s up, Mike?” Brian asked meekly.</p><p>“Oh, just waiting for the word from someone on where to park and then you can get up to your room.”</p><p>“Any word on lunch?”</p><p>Mike smiled gently up at Brian. “I’ll check, okay?” Brian waited, standing off of Mike’s right shoulder, trying not to listen as Mike talked on the radio to the other drivers. After several shortened and abbreviated conversations, Mike turned to Brian and said, “Kevin and Nick apparently want to take you to lunch. Dave said something about making sure you eat.”</p><p>Brian slowly shook his head. “No way,” he said quietly. “I just want to get up to my room.”</p><p>Mike smiled. “Well, grab your stuff now. You might be able to catch Skip with the keys before they kidnap you and force-feed you.” Brian stared down at his driver. “They’re planning to meet you in the lobby.” </p><p>Brian nodded and quickly grabbed his bags off of the bunk he had thrown them on. Standing in the underground parking listening to the engines reverberate off the concrete walls he glanced around. He shivered involuntarily even though it wasn’t that cold. Seeing Skip heading for the elevator, he hurried to catch up and slipped inside beside him.</p><p>Skip momentarily closed his eyes and Brian knew he was groaning inwardly. Brian had done this on his own, without Tom. There was a risk involved. There was always risk involved, but being unprotected like this, Brian knew he was in for an earful. He was surprised when that talking to didn’t come. He was also surprised when they arrived in the lobby and it was empty.</p><p>“I took the liberty of calling ahead,” Skip informed him. He tipped his head over his shoulder and Brian glanced outside the large glass doors. There were police outside containing the crowd trying to rush inside. The intensity of the screams seemed to escalate when they saw Brian. As Skip was signing the documents for the block of hotel rooms and suites that had been reserved for the band and crew, he said, “I kinda figured you’d want to be alone.” He turned and looked at the young singer. “I know I would,” he stated, handing Brian a plastic card with a number written on it. He held it as Brian reached for it. “I know we’re gonna cancel tomorrow. We’ll talk later about it.” Brian nodded and took the offered card. “I really am sorry, Brian,” Skip said as Brian turned away from him.</p><p>Brian nodded and bolted to the elevator. The doors were just closing as probably the first group of a few was getting off the other elevators across the large lobby. He caught a glimpse of Nick and Howie mashed between their bodyguards and his own. Tom was scowling. Brian knew as the doors closed and he moved towards his floor that Tom was likely going to get on him about ditching him, but he didn’t care. It wasn’t the first time he’d ditched his security. He wasn’t as bad as Alex about it, but he had managed to evade his bodyguard on occasion.</p><p>Riding up to his floor alone, he fought to stay standing and not slump against the wall. All Brian wanted at that moment was to get to his room, order room service, and be alone. It was rather surprising when he actually got all three of his wishes in order. Closing the door to his suite behind him, he deadbolted it and walked a few feet inside before dropping his bags. He headed for the phone on the table and stared at it a moment. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to eat. Was he even really hungry? Sighing, he pressed the button for room service, ordered a burger and fries, and hung up.</p><p>Walking over to his bag, Brian dug out his cell phone and realized that he had forgotten to charge it and it had died. Sighing, he pulled out the charging cord and found an outlet. He hadn’t realized all the calls he had taken that morning had probably drained his battery. Wandering around the room, he finally stopped at the window. The curtains had been drawn, but he pulled them back slightly to look out. Sighing, he realized that Leighanne probably would’ve loved the view. It was only then, staring out at the Toronto landscape, that he realized how long the day felt already. He had been up early and that always made it feel longer, but so much had happened. Glancing at the clock, he realized it was a little after one in the afternoon. Had it really been barely twelve hours since he’d kissed his wife goodbye for the last time?</p><p>There was a knock on the door and Brian turned around to answer it. He was surprised to see Nick standing there. “Oh, hi,” Brian said flatly.</p><p>“Hey,” Nick said. “Um, Kevin wanted me to come check and see if you wanted to come to lunch with us?”</p><p>Brian shook his head and glanced down the hallway around Nick’s shoulder. “No thanks. I already ordered room service,” he told the younger man.</p><p>“Oh,” Nick stated. “Well, I guess I’ll let you be then.” </p><p>Nick turned and as Brian was closing the door, he saw someone walking down the hall pushing a cart. Brian waited with the door open and the person stopped in front of his room. After a brief exchange, Brian accepted the cart and wheeled it into his room. Sitting down in a chair, he pulled the cart closer to him and pulled the stainless steel dome off the plate. He stared at the large burger and fries on the plate. His mouth watered and he reached for a fry. He nibbled on it and tried not to think about things.</p><p>As he started on the second fry, his phone rang. Closing his eyes, he dropped the food on the plate and stood up. Walking over to where his phone was plugged in on the desk, he paused. He wasn’t sure he wanted to answer the phone. By the time he got to the desk, the phone had stopped ringing. He looked down at it. There were ten missed calls. Looking at the number on the most recently missed call, he sighed. It was a Georgia area code and a number he recognized. His head started to pound. As he was standing there staring at his phone it rang again. Picking it up, his finger wavered over the button. It rang a second time and he hit the “send” button. Putting the phone to his ear, he heard a familiar voice.</p><p>“Brian,” the panicked voice said, “tell me Leighanne <em>did not</em> get on that flight.” Brian didn’t say anything but recognized his sister-in-law’s voice. “Brian, please!”</p><p>“Tracy,” Brian whispered.</p><p>“Brian, is she there with you?”</p><p>“No,” he said.</p><p>“Did she get on that plane?” Tracy squealed. “Did she get on that plane?”</p><p>Brian took a deep breath. “She called me from the airport,” he said quietly. The scream on the other end shook Brian to his core. He only heard sobs on the other end of the phone. </p><p>Eventually, Brian thought he heard Tracy mumble that she would tell her mother and the line went dead. He stared at the phone for a moment and then set it back down on the table. The clock said it was about two in the afternoon. He groaned. He knew he should probably call his own parents, but he knew they were both still at work. He walked back over to his tray of food and picked at the fries that had gone cold. He really wasn’t hungry but knew he had to eat something. After a while, he covered the food again and pushed the cart out into the hallway.</p><p>Coming back into the room, things looked duller than they had before. He wasn’t sure why. Brian began to pace the living area, trying to pass the time. He knew he needed to call his mom. He also knew he needed to make a decision about the tour. Skip had been right. Canceling the show the next day felt like the right thing to do. But he wasn’t sure about the rest of the tour. He sighed and continued walking, stopping every so often to look out the window.</p><p>Brian walked into the bedroom and stared at the queen-sized bed. The last bed he had slept in had been with his wife. He sat down on the edge of the bed and buried his face in his hands. He couldn’t quite believe that this was happening to him. Flinging himself backward he lay there for a moment and stared up at the ceiling. The thought of sleeping in that bed alone was more than he could handle at that moment. He knew that if he slept at all that night, it would likely be in one of the uncomfortable chairs or the sofa. He heard a knock on his door and he sighed. He really didn’t want to answer it but knew that there was no way out of it, he got up and slowly walked to the door. Glancing through the peephole, he saw that it was Howie standing there. He really didn’t want company right then, but Howie looked worried, so Brian let him in.</p><p>“Hey Bri,” Howie said, walking in the door that Brian held open. “I know you probably don’t want company right now, but Leigh, you know the one in charge of our website, well, she found something today on the Internet and she wanted me to tell you.”</p><p>Brian slowly closed the door and walked back to the chair he had claimed as his own. Howie perched himself on the edge of the couch. “What did she find?” he asked.</p><p>Howie took a deep breath before starting in on his story. “Well, she routinely checks the fan sites, just to see what people are saying and everything and in checking on of the blogs out there, she found that someone saw you and Leighanne fighting the other night before we left Boston.”</p><p>Brian shrugged. “Yeah, so? What about it?”</p><p>Howie just sat there and stared at him for a minute. “Pam has been notified by Skip about what happened.” Pam was their publicist. “Right now, Skip has told her not to say anything. But I know she’s going to be contacting you about this. Leigh’s just concerned that if you don’t say something relatively soon, then everyone’s gonna think you and Leighanne had a fight or something.” Brian blinked slowly. “You know some of the fans are still pretty upset about you getting married.”</p><p>Brian knew about the fans. The summer before he had married Leighanne, their dogs had been stolen. Thankfully they had been returned, but it still proved to Brian that there were some fans out there that didn’t really support him and his decisions. If the fans only knew Leighanne and what a sweet girl she was, the fans would totally change their mind about her.</p><p>Brian knew Pam would start to put pressure on him to release a statement. It wouldn’t be long until the passenger manifests were released to the press. Once that happened, Brian knew it would be a media circus for him. Everyone would want an interview or a statement about what happened. He slowly shook his head, trying not to think about it. There were so many unanswered questions and decisions to be made. The first of which was what to do with the tour. He knew he had to make that decision first thing in the morning, at the latest. The old adage of “the show must go on,” didn’t really seem to apply right then. He didn’t know if he could set foot on that stage.</p><p>Howie took Brian’s silence to ask the question that Brian was pondering. “So have you given any thought to if you’ll continue with the tour?”</p><p>Brian shrugged. “Some, but not a lot,” he admitted. “I definitely haven’t reached a decision.”</p><p>Howie nodded. “Just to let you know, I don’t have any feelings one way or the other. It’s entirely your decision. I don’t know what I would do in your situation, so I really can’t offer any advice. But I’ll support you in whatever you decide.”</p><p>Nodding, Brian said, “Thanks, Howie. That means a lot right now.”</p><p>“Well,” Howie said, standing up, “I just thought I’d tell you that. I certainly don’t want all of this to blow up in your face. That’s why Leigh and I thought you should know.”</p><p>“You two sure have been spending a lot of time together,” Brian added, standing up to face Howie.</p><p>The older man shrugged. “Well, you know how it is out here.”</p><p>Brian nodded and followed Howie to the door. “Thanks for telling me. I’m sure Pam will be in touch. And if I do decide to go home or something, that’ll just be one more thing she’ll have to take care of for us.”</p><p>Howie smiled slightly, reaching for the door handle. “Try to relax some,” he told Brian as he opened the door and headed out into the corridor.</p><p>“I’ll try,” Brian stated, as he watched Howie head down the hall to his own room. He closed the door softly and deadbolted it again. He went back to his pacing, realizing things had gotten more complicated. He really didn’t want to think about things right now, but the more information he gathered, the more he realized he was going to have to make some decisions, and soon. And being Pam knew, he knew she was going to be pressuring him for a statement, wanting to know what happened, everything. Brian wasn’t sure he was ready to go through all that.</p><p>Deciding a shower might help the aches that were beginning to appear in his body, Brian dug through his suitcase. He found a tee-shirt and jeans to change into. Moving to the bathroom, he turned on the water as hot as he could stand. Once standing under it, he allowed the extremely hot water to cascade down over his back. He put one hand on the wall in front of him and tilted his head forward with his eyes closed. He tried to allow the hot water to release all the tension from his back, but it was difficult at the moment. The shower took longer than his normal ones. The water ran down over his shoulders and eventually he turned it off before reaching for a towel outside the shower curtain. Running the towel over his damp body and hair, he sighed. Wrapping the towel around his waist, he wiped at the steam covered mirror. He stared at his reflection. He didn’t really look like himself at the moment. He looked run down, even though he had gotten more sleep than normal.</p><p>Brian walked out of the bathroom and looked at the clock. It was barely three in the afternoon. Deciding his phone probably had enough charge for the time being, he walked into the main room and unplugged it. He intended to dial his parents’ home phone number as he walked, but his brain could barely focus on the numbers. He walked back into the bedroom and sat down on the bed staring at the keypad. His fingers moved back forth over the buttons but he couldn’t bring himself to actually press them. He stared at it, unable to even remember his own home phone number. He finally opened his contacts and scrolled to his parents’ number and hit “send.”</p><p>Each ring felt like an eternity. Finally, on the third ring, his mother answered. “Hello?” she asked. </p><p>Brian’s breath caught in his throat. “Hey, Mom,” he croaked.</p><p>He heard his mother sigh on the other end of the phone. “Oh, hey, Sweetie. How are you? Where are you?”</p><p>“We’re in Toronto,” he whispered.</p><p>His mother sighed again. “Oh, that’s good. Have you seen what’s been going on in New York? I was worried you might be stuck there.”</p><p>All of a sudden, everything sunk in. His voice caught and the weight of everything that had happened that day came crashing down on him. He coughed and tried to fight back the tears that were brimming in his eyes. He started sobbing and he couldn’t seem to control it enough to talk.</p><p>“Honey?” his mother asked. “Is everything okay?”</p><p>After a minute, Brian managed to get enough control of himself to answer. “Leighanne… she was… she was… she was on one of those planes,” he cried into the phone. Once the tears began flowing down his cheeks, he couldn’t stop them. He didn’t even hear what his mother had said to him at first. He sniffed and said, “What was that?”</p><p>“Baby, why don’t you come home?” she asked again.</p><p>“Mom, you know I can’t right now.”</p><p>His mom scoffed. “You cannot possibly be thinking about continuing on the tour, can you?”</p><p>Brian shrugged, forgetting his mom couldn’t see him. He wiped his eyes on his sleeve. “I don’t know yet, Mom. I haven’t made up my mind.”</p><p>“Brian Thomas, you really should just come home,” she scolded.</p><p>“I’ll think about it, Mom,” he sniffed. “Look, I need to call Leighanne’s parents. I don’t even know if they knew she was flying or not.” He knew it was a lie, but he really just wanted to get off the phone.</p><p>Brian heard his mother sigh. “Alright, Honey. You’re probably right. Call us if you need anything. You really should be home with your family right now.”</p><p>Brian nodded and wiped his eyes with the back of his wrist. “I know, Mom. I’ll keep it in mind. I love you.” He hung up with his mom and sat there for a while staring at his phone. He wiped again at his eyes with the back of his hand. </p><p>He was still sitting on the bed with his hands over his eyes when he heard a knock on the door. He had thought he had made it clear that he just wanted to be alone. Walking through the room, he flung open the door without checking who it was. He was surprised to see Nick standing there. They had been best friends since Nick was thirteen. But since he had gotten married, it seemed to Brian that Nick had distanced himself. He stepped aside and let Nick into his room. Without saying a word, Nick crossed the room with his long strides. He stopped at the window and moved the curtains just enough so he could look out the window. He placed his forehead against the cool glass and just stood there.</p><p>As he closed the door, Brian resisted the urge to tell Nick that he could’ve done that in his own room. Turning around, he waited. He knew that Nick would eventually say what he had come to say. Brian just hoped it wouldn’t take him long.</p><p>Slowly, Nick turned around and looked at Brian. “Don’t tell me you’re okay because I can see that you’re not,” he said finally. Heaving a breath, he continued. “Look, I have no idea what you’re going through and I probably never will, but I’ve been meaning to say this for a long time.” Brian just stared at him from across the room. “I feel like I’ve lost my best friend," Nick said finally before sinking down into a chair near the window.</p><p>Brian just stood there for a long moment before he lowered himself down onto the sofa. Nick was right in one regard: it did feel like they had pulled away from each other. Brian felt it was Nick who was pulling away. But it was obvious to Brian that Nick felt the opposite. “I feel the same way,” Brian whispered. “What happened?”</p><p>Nick picked his head up and looked at Brian. “You got married.”</p><p>Brian sighed. Nick was right. He did get married. His attention had shifted from his best friend to his wife. They hadn’t really talked or hung out much at all, even though they were on tour together. In fact, his dad had warned him about spending all his time with his wife and not enough time with his friends. He realized he had done exactly that. Brian’s shoulders slumped and he looked down at the floor. “You’re right, Nick. I did let my marriage get in the way of our friendship.”</p><p>Nick’s body language all of a sudden mirrored Brian’s. “I’m sorry, Bri. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad when you probably already feel awful.”</p><p>Brian shrugged. “It’s okay. Here I was thinking that you were the one pulling away from me when in reality it was the other way around.”</p><p>“So have you given any thought to what you might do?” Nick asked.</p><p>Brian turned away “A little. Not much.” He sighed and looked away. “Have they said anything else?”</p><p>“Don’t turn on the TV,” Nick told him. “It’s bad. Horror movie bad. You really don’t want to see it Bri.” Brian sighed. “Apparently there was a fourth plane,” Nick added. “Headed towards the White House. It crashed in a field in Pennsylvania.” Brian buried his face in his hands, not believing what he was hearing. Seeing Brian’s dejected form, Nick added, “They did find a survivor.” Brian glanced at him. “Right before I came over here. Sounded like a first responder though.” Nick got up and walked over to his best friend. “I don’t know what you’re gonna wanna do, but they grounded all flights and closed US airspace. So whatever we do, we ain’t flying anywhere.”</p><p>Brian looked up at his friend. “Hey, Nick,” he said meekly. “I don’t know if I wanna stay in this room by myself tonight. Would you mind staying with me?”</p><p>Nick smiled. “Of course not. Let me just go back to my room and get a few things okay? Then we can order room service and stay up watching movies just like the good ole days.”</p><p>As Nick left, Brian shook his head. For a moment, it did feel like the old days when they were young. He let that moment of peace wash over him before he walked over to his cell phone in the bedroom, picked it up, and turned it off, not wanting to deal with anyone calling him right then. He just really wanted to forget that the whole day had happened but knew that that probably wasn’t going to happen. When Nick arrived back at his room a little while later, the pair settled down into the main room, Nick having brought junk food with him. This didn’t surprise Brian that Nick had a stash of junk. While Brian had slipped off to go change into sweats to be more comfortable, Nick channel surfed trying to find <em>anything</em> that wasn’t the news. Thankfully, being in Canada paid off and he found a movie on HBO. Brian plopped down in the chair he had grown accustomed to all day and tried to focus, but his mind was a million miles away.</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <h2>Chapter Three</h2>
</div><p>September 12, 2001</p><p>As dawn started to creep through the curtains in Brian’s hotel room, he stirred in the chair by the window. He hadn’t really slept much all night. He had just fallen asleep not that long ago sitting up in the chair. Nick had conked out in the bed hours beforehand. Brian had tried to keep quiet in his pacing, but Nick had stirred and grumbled a few times during the night. Brian had finally decided what he was going to do. He wasn’t entirely sure of all the details, but now that the sun was rising, he knew for certain that he was not going to go back on tour right now. He needed time, time to sort everything out.</p><p>Brian stood up and stretched. He didn’t know how long he had been sleeping there in the chair, but his body told him it wasn’t the best thing to do. But he couldn’t bring himself to sleep in the bed right now, even if Nick hadn’t agreed to take it. He wanted to be uncomfortable. There was no reason to be comfortable. Everything was falling apart and the last thing he wanted was to be comfortable. And for some reason, the thought of sleeping in a bed made him think about waking up yesterday and saying goodbye to his wife. He couldn’t believe that it was only yesterday. It felt like a year. </p><p>Brian quietly slipped into the bedroom and tiptoed to the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He looked at himself in the mirror above the sink. He didn’t look like himself. He was starting to get dark circles under his eyes from not sleeping well. His hair was standing up in odd places and his body ached from sitting awkwardly in the chair for most of the night. He reached down and turned the faucet on, letting the water run for a moment. Not that he wanted hot water. Instead, he wanted cold water. He scooped some of the ice-cold water into his hand and splashed it on his face, hoping that would wake him up more.</p><p>He sighed and stared at himself in the mirror again. He knew there was going to be a meeting with the group soon. He needed a clear head. He had a feeling that this was going to start an all-out war amongst them when he told them that he needed to take a break from the tour. He knew that they would all understand, eventually, but being they had just taken a forty-five-day hiatus for AJ’s stint in rehab, there was liable to be some tension surrounding him wanting to take another break so soon after getting back on tour. But at the same time, Brian just didn’t feel like going out there and performing right now. He wanted to make sure the fans were getting what they paid for, and if he went out there the way he felt now, he knew he would be letting them down.</p><p>Stepping out of the bathroom and into the bedroom, he saw that Nick was awake and sitting up in bed. “Did you get any sleep at all?” Nick asked, rubbing his eyes.</p><p>“A little here and there. How would you know? You slept all night.” Brian hadn’t meant for it to sound as harsh as it did. Thankfully, Nick didn’t acknowledge Brian’s tone.</p><p>“Your pacing wasn’t as quiet as you’d like to think,” he said.</p><p>Brian sighed and walked over to his bag. He rummaged around in it until he found a pair of track pants. “You should probably go back to your room and get dressed,” he told his friend.</p><p>“You’re probably right,” Nick replied, tossing the covers off his body. He reached for his jeans and tennis shoes, sliding them on and standing up. “So have you decided what you’re going to do?” he asked, leaning over to tie his shoe.</p><p>“I think you know what I’m going to do,” Brian told him.</p><p>Nick nodded. “You’re right. I do. I just hope the rest of the guys don’t take it out on you.”</p><p>Brian shook his head. “Someone will, you know that.”</p><p>“What time do you want to do this?”</p><p>Brian shrugged. “I need to talk to Skip first and then I’m sure he’ll call all of you together.”</p><p>Nick nodded again knowing Brian was correct. “Okay, man. I’ll talk to you later then, okay?” He walked over to Brian and without warning, leaned over and hugged him. Brian surprised himself by actually hugging Nick back. They let go of each other and Nick turned to head out of the room. Brian watched him go and for the first time in about twenty-four hours, felt normal. But as soon as the door closed and he was alone, all the emotions that he had been holding in rushed back. He swallowed tears that were threatening to consume him. Changing quickly, he grabbed his wallet and room key. He headed out of his room and down the hallway to Skip’s room. Brian knew it was only about seven in the morning, but Skip would more than likely be up waiting for Brian’s answer to the question that was looming.</p><p>Reaching Skip’s room, Brian took a deep breath before he reached up and knocked on the door. He heard grumbling behind the closed door and realized that he had actually woken Skip up. After a few minutes, the door opened without Brian having to knock again, even though he was thinking about it.</p><p>Brian felt horrible when he saw Skip. He was standing there barefoot, his hair a mess, glasses askew. He had obviously thrown a robe on before he answered the door. “Oh, hey Brian,” Skip said. He stepped aside and allowed Brian to enter his room. He gestured to one of the chairs inside and Brian slowly lowered himself down into it, watching Skip do the same. “So what’s up?” Skip asked as if there wasn’t some huge announcement that was going to come out of Brian’s mouth.</p><p>Swallowing hard, Brian ran a hand through his hair. “Um, I’ve thought about the tour and all that.” He looked away from Skip while saying, “I just don’t think I’m ready to go on stage right now.”</p><p>Skip nodded. “I understand, but you do realize that you have to tell the rest of the group, right?” Brian nodded his head. “Okay. Lemme go call the rest of the guys and we can talk about this okay?” Brian slumped in his chair as he watched Skip pick up his cell phone and begin calling each of the other four guys in the group. Brian really didn’t want to tell them his decision, but he knew if he didn’t then the tour wouldn’t get canceled or postponed and he’d be forced into doing something he really didn’t want to do right then. They all had to know. Once Skip was done with the phone calls, he looked at Brian. “Mind if I go get dressed?”</p><p>Brian shook his head and went to go stand by the window while Skip slipped into the bedroom. He heard the bedroom door open just as there was a knock on the door. Skip answered it and Bran thought he heard Nick and AJ enter, but he didn’t turn around to find out for certain. Another knock and someone came in. Brian still stared out the window, his hands clasped behind his back. A final knock and Brian knew everyone who needed to be there was there. Slowly, Brian turned around to face the four men he had spent way too much time with over the past eight years. They all stared at him with mixed emotions.</p><p>“Let’s sit down and talk this out,” Skip said, indicating the sitting area. Slowly, Brian sank down into the chair nearest him. Howie, Nick, and Kevin sat down on the couch, AJ was across from him. Skip pulled up the chair that was at the desk and completed the circle. “So, Brian, tell the guys what you told me.”</p><p>Brian took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He really didn’t want to do it. Nick was closest to him and laid a hand on his knee. The simple gesture seemed to give Brian strength. He opened his eyes and looked around at the four men. “Guys, I think I need to take a break.”</p><p>AJ, who had apparently just thrown on the first thing he had found, a pair of jeans and a tee-shirt, leaned forward. He was the first to speak. “What?”</p><p>Softly, Brian repeated his statement, “I need a break.”</p><p>Nick, who had somehow managed to change his clothes in the time he had left Brian’s room and gone to his own, patted Brian’s knee. “We understand,” he stated.</p><p>AJ stared at him. “Yeah, we understand. You need some time to collect yourself, but we just got back on tour.”</p><p>Howie glared at him. “What are you afraid of?” he asked. Howie had obviously been awake when had gotten the call because he looked well put together and ready for the day.</p><p>AJ shook his head. “What am I <em>not</em> afraid of? I just managed to get off the drugs and alcohol a month ago. Do you really think I can do this on my own?”</p><p>“We never said that,” Howie told him softly.</p><p>“But if we postpone the tour now…” AJ let the statement hang in the air.</p><p>Kevin turned and stared at AJ. “I cannot believe you,” he stated. He also must have been awake because he was dressed, but his hair hadn’t been done yet.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Kevin raised one of his bushy eyebrows at him. “Come on, Alex. Leighanne <em>died</em> yesterday. She was Brian’s <em>wife</em>. What do you think? The universe revolves around you? Because let me tell you, it doesn’t. We should be concerned about Brian and what he needs right now.”</p><p>Nick, Howie, and Skip all nodded in agreement at Kevin’s statement. Brian was glad Kevin had said it. He really wanted to say something, but couldn’t bring himself to say anything more at the time.</p><p>“If Brian wants to postpone the tour, that’s fine with me,” Kevin said. “As much as I think the show should go on, we can’t exactly cover him vocally for an entire show. It’s one thing if he was sick and could maybe push through it, but he’s obviously grieving. I know I couldn’t possibly fathom going on stage if anything happened to Kristin.”</p><p>Nobody said anything for a bit. They all knew Kevin was serious. He had been with Kristin since before he had been with the group. They had gotten married three months before Brian and Leighanne had.</p><p>“How long are we going to postpone the tour for?” Skip finally asked.</p><p>Brian looked at the guys around him. He knew Kevin sticking up for him said a lot. Howie and Nick had already said they supported whatever decision he made. Oddly, he could see where AJ was coming from. “I don’t know,” he said. “Thirty days? With the possibility to extend it?” Brian hadn’t really thought about that. He figured thirty days should be enough time to put things in order. But then again, he wasn’t entirely sure.</p><p>“Okay, we can do that,” Skip said, reaching for his phone. “What are we telling the public about why we are postponing?”</p><p>Brian sighed and shook his head. “I don’t know.”</p><p>“Why don’t you tell them the truth?” Nick asked. Brian bit his bottom lip.</p><p>Skip glanced at him. “The passenger manifests will be released, Brian. When that happens, everyone is going to know that Leighanne was on that flight. It might be better that you come out and let everyone know first.”</p><p>“But what do I say?”</p><p>Kevin leaned forward. “Pam will figure it out,” he told his cousin. “We just have to let her know what’s going on.”</p><p>Brian nodded. As Skip opened his flip phone and searched for Pam’s number, he said, “So you know, Brian I kind of already clued Pam in. I called her about Danny, but told her to hold on the release.” Brian nodded as Skip put the phone on speaker and placed it in the middle of the table between them. They almost always dealt with Pam together on speaker. They all waited while the phone rang, with Brian nearly shaking as he waited.</p><p>“Hello?” came Pam’s voice from the phone. She sounded somewhat groggy. Brian figured they were calling her at home. Being she was based out of Los Angeles, he did a quick calculation and figured it was getting close to five in the morning there.</p><p>“Hey, Pam, this is Skip with the Backstreet Boys tour.”</p><p>“Oh, hey Skip,” Pam said. She was starting to sound more awake. “Are we ready to release that statement?”</p><p>The group exchanged glances as Skip continued. “I’m actually here with the group and we’ve got more than what I told you about yesterday that’s going to need to be released.”</p><p>Brian could almost hear Pam rummaging around for something to write on and write with. “Okay,” she said after a moment, “what’s going on?”</p><p>“Well, it has to do with Brian, so I’ll let him tell you about it, okay?” Skip took Pam off speaker and handed the phone to Brian.</p><p>Brian ran a hand down his face before he took the phone from Skip and held it to his ear. “Hi, Pam,” he said meekly.</p><p>“Hi, Brian. What can I do for you?”</p><p>“Well, um, you know everything that happened yesterday, right?” Brian really had no idea where to start or what to say.</p><p>“Yes,” Pam replied from her side of the phone call.</p><p>“Well, uh, Leighanne… she, um… was on one of those planes yesterday.” All the men in the room cringed when they heard him say it out loud.</p><p>“What plane, Hon?” Pam always called them “Hon” when she spoke to them.</p><p>Everyone held their breath until Brian finally whispered, “One of the planes that crashed.”</p><p>“Oh, Hon, I’m so sorry. Are you doing okay? We’re postponing the tour, right? We need a statement to that effect?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Brian replied, staring at the ground. “I wanna do thirty days, maybe more. I dunno what needs to be taken care of right now.”</p><p>Brian could hear Pam scribbling on something on the other end of the line. “Okay, Brian, Honey, what flight was she on?”</p><p>Brian swallowed and fought back tears. “Flight eleven,” he whispered.</p><p>“Okay,” Pam stated. “We’re postponing as of tonight?”</p><p>“If we can,” he squeaked.</p><p>“Oh, Honey,” Pam started, “don’t you worry about it. Nothing is impossible. I will get the word out and between Skip and me, we’ll get everything taken care of for tonight’s show. You just worry about what you need to right now. Are you going home?”</p><p>Brian nodded. “Yeah. I dunno how I’ll get there. I guess flying is out of the question.”</p><p>“I assume after this, you are not gonna wanna do anything, right?”</p><p>Brian shook his head. “No. I don’t know.”</p><p>“It’s okay, Hon, don’t you worry about it. I’ll call you when I have something ready and you can approve it, alright?”</p><p>“Okay. Thanks, Pam.”</p><p>“Take care of yourself, Brian,” she said before hanging up.</p><p>“So what’s the deal?” Skip asked.</p><p>Brian handed him his phone and said, “Pam said you two would work on getting tonight’s show taken care of, as well as the rest of them. She said she’d call me when the press release was ready.”</p><p>Everyone in the group nodded. “So what are you going to do now?" Nick asked.</p><p>Brian looked at them. “I’m going home.”</p><p>“You’re going to drive back there?” Kevin asked.</p><p>Brian nodded. “Can’t fly. So I guess I drive.”</p><p>“Well, at least let me come with you. You’ll need company on the trip.”</p><p>“I don’t think so,” Brian replied, shaking his head at his cousin. Standing up, he looked at the men around him. “Thanks, guys, really, but I’m gonna go pack.” Brian walked out of the room and down the hallway. He managed to make it into his room before he slumped against the wall. He felt exhausted after all that time having to talk and interact with so many different people.</p><p>Sighing, he walked into the bedroom and grabbed his suitcase and duffle bag. As he dumped everything out of his bags, he realized he probably should have taken Kevin up on his offer. It was going to be a long, lonely drive. Even though he hadn’t really pulled much out of his bags, he took his time refolding and repacking all his clothes. He normally wouldn’t even think of repacking until the end of the tour, or at least laundry day, but the repetitive motion of folding his clothes for some reason was keeping the emotions at bay. He slowly repacked his duffle bag and suitcase and made sure he had everything. As he was zipping up his suitcase, he heard a knock on the door. He walked over and opened it to find Nick on the other side.</p><p>“Hey, look, I know you don’t want your cousin with you but would you mind if I traveled with you? I mean, it’s like a sixteen-hour drive or something. You’re going to need some company and possibly someone to drive for you while you sleep.” Nick had somehow managed to get all that said in one breath.</p><p>Brian shrugged. He didn’t have the heart to tell Nick that he wasn’t going to Atlanta. “Okay,” he said. “Are you packed?” Nick held out his hand to the suitcase in the hall. Brian nodded, made one last sweep of his room with his eyes, and grabbed his own bags. They walked down the hallway together and arrived at Skip’s room again. Brian knocked on the door and when Skip answered, he handed the card key to his room to the older man. Nick did the same thing.</p><p>“Are you sure about this?” Skip asked. Brian nodded. Sighing, Skip added, “Tom is not going to be happy.”</p><p>Brian shrugged. He knew Tom was gonna be upset at the two of them going off unprotected, but he also knew he had to get away. As they waited for one of the vans they had chartered for trips to and from the hotel to take them to a rental car agency. Neither of them said anything on the way there. Once they got to the rental agency, they went about taking care of business. Nick chose something practical, a compact car so they could try to keep a low profile. They filled out the paperwork together, but Brian ultimately had to sign for the car. There was extra paperwork since they weren’t returning the car to the original location and actually had to agree to trade cars on the other side of the border at another location. Once everything was taken care of, Brian took the keys to a two-door compact blue car and they took their bags to go load them in the trunk. They both made sure they had their legal documents so they could re-enter the United States.</p><p>Brian was driving and even though he had a general idea of where he was going, he had picked up a map to at least get him back in the States. He still hadn’t told Nick where they were going. A little ways off the car rental lot, Brian pulled over. “You probably need to drive,” he said with a yawn.</p><p>“I knew that wouldn’t last long,” Nick said. “Man, I hate being young. Why won’t they just let me rent a car?”</p><p>Brian shrugged and climbed out of the driver’s seat at the fast-food restaurant he had pulled into. He and Nick traded places and as Nick adjusted the seat back, he looked at Brian. “Mind if we get breakfast first? I haven’t eaten yet.” Brian shook his head and had Nick order him a coffee and a biscuit sandwich. As they drove away from the very surprised drive through worker, Nick maneuvered out of the parking lot. “So, which way do I go?” he asked.</p><p>“We’ve gotta eventually get on the four-oh-three to Detroit,” Brian said, after consulting the map for a minute.</p><p>“Detriot? I thought we were going to Atlanta?” Nick reached into the bag between them and pulled out his sandwich.</p><p>Brian shook his head. “No. I’m going home, Nick. Lexington.”</p><p>Nick shrugged, as he unwrapped his sandwich one-handed while focusing on the road. “Your choice,” he said. “Just tell me how to get there. It took a little bit of Brian directing Nick before they got on the highway. Brian slowly ate his sandwich between telling Nick where to go and sipped on his coffee. He stared out the window and when they finally managed to get moving on the highway and Nick didn’t exactly need directions, Brian leaned his head against the cool glass and was just about to doze off when his phone rang. Figuring it was either Pam or Kevin, he answered it. It was Pam.</p><p>“Hey, Hon, how are you doing?” she asked.</p><p>“Okay, I guess,” he answered dully.</p><p>“Look, I’ve got that press release for you. I’ll read it to you and if anything needs to be changed let me know, okay?”</p><p>“Okay.” Brian didn’t really register anything Pam said. He heard pieces. He heard his and Leighanne’s names, but beyond that, he really wasn’t sure what she had said. “Okay,” he replied rather half-heartedly when she had finished.</p><p>Pam sighed on her end of the phone. “You do realize that the press is going to want interviews from you. By what I can tell, you’re gonna be the biggest name attached to this.”</p><p>Brian knew this was coming. “I’m not doing anything right now,” he said. It came out rather harsh and he apologized immediately.</p><p>“Don’t worry about it, Hon. Is there anything specific you’d like me to say when the requests start coming in?”</p><p>“I don’t know, Pam. You know I really suck at these things.”</p><p>“No, you don’t, Brian. You and your cousin always come off sounding the most professional, even when I don’t prompt you. I’ll just tell them that we aren’t issuing anything beyond what’s been issued, okay?”</p><p>“Thanks, Pam.” Brian managed to get off the phone with her without too much trouble. He glanced over at Nick who took his eyes momentary off the road and looked at his friend. Neither of them said anything to the other. It took a while, but Brian eventually dozed off. He woke up in Windsor as they were approaching the Ambassador Bridge and crossing into the US.</p><p>“Hey, Sleeping Beauty,” Nick said. Brian grumbled. “You’re gonna have to take over after we exchange this car. Not to mention, I’ve got to pee.”</p><p>Brian rolled his eyes and stared out at the water of the Detroit River. They went through customs and it only took a short amount of time to get through. Way less time than the day before.</p><p>In Detroit, they managed to find the rental car company they needed and exchange cars. Brian filled out the paperwork again as Nick used the restroom. As they left the lot, Brian managed to find his way onto Interstate seventy-five. As they drove it seemed that all he had been thinking about that morning poured out of his mouth the moment he got behind the wheel.</p><p>“What am I going to do, Nick?” he asked as he merged into traffic.</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“I don’t even know where to start. There’s so much to do.”</p><p>“Well, what can I do to help?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Brian sighed as he changed lanes. “I don’t even know what to do.”</p><p>“Can I tell you something?” Nick asked, looking over at his best friend.</p><p>“Sure,” Brian replied.</p><p>Nick took a breath before he said, “I’m kinda surprised that you didn’t stay on the tour.”</p><p>Brian glanced over at Nick and then back at the road. “Really?”</p><p>Nick nodded. “Yeah. I figured you would stay on tour and work. You know, deal with it that way. At least that’s what you did after your heart surgery.”</p><p>“Is that what they told you?” Brian asked him. Nick nodded. “I was <em>told</em> to go back on tour, Nick. No one asked me. I was terrified to be back out there at that point. I’m just glad we are able to make decisions and actually be heard now.”</p><p>“I never knew,” Nick said. “Well, I kinda knew. We all saw the way you were the first couple of shows back. But I seriously thought you were just working through it.” He sighed. “But yeah, I guess it is nice to be heard.” Nick fiddled with the dial on the radio trying to find something that wasn’t static. “I’m kinda glad we are getting this time together. I couldn’t imagine letting you make this drive on your own.”</p><p>“Are you sure Kevin didn’t put you up to this?”</p><p>“Nope,” Nick admitted. “Did it all on my own.”</p><p>“Well, thanks for coming along,” Brian said. “I really wasn’t sure how I was gonna do this by myself.”</p><p>Nick was surprised at Brian’s admission. He held his hand over the radio dial as he looked at the older man. He really had no idea what he was going through. He knew how he felt about the events of the day before, but he knew it was nothing compared to what Brian was going through. “So, uh, why Lexington?” he asked.</p><p>Brian shrugged. “I can’t go back to the house. Not now. I can’t explain it. I just need to go home.”</p><p>Nick nodded and they lapsed into silence. A little while later, Brian pulled into a Burger King. They ordered lunch in the drive-through and then used the parking lot to change places. Brian didn’t eat much and continued his silence, staring out the window as they drove. He lost himself to the emotions and the memories that were flooding his mind. He almost turned the radio off when the top forty station they were listening to started talking about them.</p><p>“Sad news if you were planning on attending the Backstreet Boys Black and Blue tour in Cleveland here next week,” the DJ said. “The tour has been postponed again. This time they are citing that member Brian Littrell is dealing with some family issues. Apparently, his wife, Leighanne, was on American Airlines Flight Eleven, which we all know was hijacked yesterday in the devastating attacks in New York City. Our hearts go out to Brian and the rest of the group as they deal with this difficult time. They say hold on to your tickets right now. They are hoping to reschedule at a later date.” The DJ then played their single “More Than That” and Brian turned the volume down.</p><p>“Well, at least we know Pam got the release out,” Nick stated, watching Brian slump in the passenger seat. “I really am sorry, Brian,” he said softly. Brian just grunted and turned his head to look out the window. Brian hardly said anything for the next several hours. They stopped for gas, bathroom breaks, but otherwise, they primarily drove south. They both knew that being on the road like that with few stops was one of the reasons the fans hadn’t followed them. Now that the news had broken, Brian hoped the fans would show some compassion.</p><p>Brian drifted in and out of sleep as they drove. Nick finally pulled him fully awake as they reached Lexington. “Yo, Bri. I’m gonna need a little help here,” he said, as they reached the city limits. Brian shook his head and looked around. It took him a minute to get his bearings. He then guided Nick through the various freeways to the exit to his old neighborhood. His parents had refused to upgrade their house, even though Brian had offered. They still lived in the same house he had been living in when he joined the group almost a decade prior.</p><p>It was a little after five-thirty in the evening when Nick pulled into the familiar neighborhood. Brian looked around at the trees and the houses. Not much had changed. He pointed down the street and told Nick the number. When Nick pulled up in front of the house, Brian sighed and looked up at it. Slowly he climbed out of the car and began walking up the path to the front door.</p><p>Nick stayed back at the car and popped the trunk to start pulling the luggage out of it. He turned when the front door opened.</p><p>Brian glanced up and saw his mom come walking out. She pulled him into her arms and placed a hand on his auburn hair. “Oh, Brian, Sweetheart,” she whispered in his ear. Brian crumbled at her words. His arms dropped around her and the tears began again in great gulping sobs. “Oh, my sweet Baby Duck, it’s okay.”</p><p>“Mama,” he sobbed. “I dunno… I dunno what to do…”</p><p>“Baby,” she said, “don’t worry about anything right now. We’ll figure it out.” She pulled back from him slightly and smoothed his hair. “Harold!” She called in through the open front door. “Come out and help Nick with the luggage.” Turning back to her son, she pulled him to her and turned around to guide him into the house. “Come on, Baby, let’s get you inside and I’ll make you some tea.”</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter Four</h2></a>
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  <h2>Chapter Four</h2>
</div><p>Brian stayed in his bedroom for days, his mother bringing him comfort food. Nick got to know Harold, Brian’s dad, pretty well though sports. By the third day there in Kentucky, Nick gently knocked on Brian’s door late that morning. Hearing the familiar, “Come in,” from the other side, Nick opened the door. Brian was sitting up in bed. His hair was a wreck, he looked like he had been crying again. It also looked like he had taken to not sleeping very well. Nick knew the first night there Brian had crashed around eight, which was highly unusual for the night owl. And he slept for at least fourteen hours. Closing the door behind him, Nick went in and sat on the bed near Brian. “How are you doing?”</p><p>Brian shrugged. “Sleep is still an on again off again thing,” Nick nodded. “But at least Mom’s cooking is good.”</p><p>“At least you’re eating!” Nick added.</p><p>“I know,” he said quietly. “I don’t feel sick, but I definitely feel like I don’t want to leave this bed most of the time.” Nick nodded. “You’re probably bored out of your mind,” he said.</p><p>Nick shrugged. “It’s not bad, really. They say baseball should be restarting soon.” Brian slowly shook his head. “Yes, they postponed baseball for a week. It’s gonna push the Series back a week too, but it’ll be fine.”</p><p>Brian just stared at Nick. How could he be thinking about sports right now? Brian sighed. “I guess I need to go to Atlanta at some point,” he groaned, flinging himself back on his pillows.</p><p>Nick shrugged. “Probably.”</p><p>“And you probably want to go home too…”</p><p>Nick didn’t say anything. He knew he was going to stay with Brian as long as he needed to. “Eventually,” he said quietly. “You did postpone the tour for a month, so…”</p><p>“I don’t wanna keep you from anything.”</p><p>“You’re not,” Nick said, standing up. “Feel up to joining the rest of us today?”</p><p>“I dunno, Nick,” Brian told him. “I told you, I just wanna stay in bed.”</p><p>Nick nodded and grabbed Brian’s hand. “I know. But you can’t! You have to show me around!”</p><p>Brian sighed. “But Nick, I did that back when we came here the last time.”</p><p>Nick persisted. “But last time we had security with us. They wouldn’t let us do <em>anything</em>. When are we ever going to get this chance again?” Nick bit his cheek because he really wanted to go on about how the only reason they were allowing it was because of what had happened. “You have ten minutes to get dressed and come out and be a human for a little bit.” Brian stared at him. “If not, I’m coming back and jumping on you.” Nick grinned and backed out of the room.</p><p>Brian groaned and threw the covers off of him. He had pretty much stayed inside since everything had happened. He really couldn’t bring himself to do anything. Slowly he dug through his duffle bag and pulled out a pair of jeans and a tee-shirt. He changed out of his pajamas that he had been living in for three days now. He really wanted a shower and figured he’d probably take one that night before bed since Nick obviously wasn’t playing around about the ten minutes thing. </p><p>Exactly ten minutes after he had left, Nick was knocking on the door. “Are you coming out or am I jumping on you?” he said through the door.</p><p>Brian was slipping on his shoes as he said this. “I’m coming,” he grumbled. He threw open the door and followed Nick out into the living room, dragging his feet the whole time. Reaching the living room, his dad was sitting on the couch with SportsCenter on. They were talking about how all Division one football games had been canceled. He walked through the living room to the kitchen where he found his mother with a steaming cup of tea for him.</p><p>“Here, Sweetie,” she said, handing him the mug. “It’s good to see you up and about.”</p><p>Brian didn’t say anything but sipped his tea and looked over at the screen his dad was watching. Nick had planted himself on the couch.</p><p>“Looks like we aren’t getting pro football either,” Harold said.</p><p>Brian sighed. It all seemed so pointless. He didn’t know what to do with himself. He should’ve been at a soundcheck or a radio gig or something. But instead, he was standing in the living room of his parents’ house.</p><p>“Have you thought about when you’re leaving?” Jackie asked her son.</p><p>Shrugging, Brian took another sip of his tea. “I guess I have to go figure out the house,” he mumbled.</p><p>“It might be a good idea,” Jackie said softly. “And you’ll want to talk to her parents.” Brian stared at his mother. “I know,” she said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “But it’s the right thing to do.” </p><p>Brian closed his eyes and slowly walked to the back door. Walking out into the backyard, he sat down in a chair and just stared out into the yard. He curled his legs up under him and gripped his mug with both hands. Everything seemed different now. He knew his mom was right. He needed to go back to his house in Atlanta. He needed to talk to Leighane’s parents. But he just wasn’t sure he could do that. And he had Nick. He was sure Nick wanted to go home. Heaving a great sigh, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He sipped on his tea that was quickly growing cold. He heard the back door open and glanced up as Nick came to sit beside him.</p><p>“So were you thinking about heading back to Atlanta?” Nick asked.</p><p>“Guess I have to,” replied Brian.</p><p>“I’ll go with you.”</p><p>“Thanks, Nick, but…”</p><p>Nick tipped his head and gave Brian a hard look. “Don’t use that line that you want to go alone. I’m not leaving you. You <em>do not</em> have to do this alone.”</p><p>Brian took another drink of his tea. “Thanks, Nick.” He stared out into the yard again for a while. “I guess we could leave tomorrow. Late morning or so. It’s like a six-hour drive.”</p><p>“Good thing we got unlimited mileage on these cars,” Nick joked.</p><p>Brian just closed his eyes. Normally Nick would’ve made him laugh. But right now, nothing seemed funny. Brian was always seen as the one to make everyone laugh. He was always doing silly things. Nick was the prankster, but Brian was the clown. It sure didn’t seem like it now. Brian felt that smiling and laughing was the farthest thing from his mind. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever be happy again.</p><p>For the first time since arriving at his parents’ house, Brian had dinner with them that night. His parents hadn’t pressured him to join them. Instead, his mother had cared for him, somehow knowing that that was what he needed. But now that Brian had made up his mind that he was going back to Georgia, he felt somewhat different. There was some sense of purpose. Maybe not exactly what he wanted to do, but at least something he knew he needed to do. Brian didn’t really eat that night, so much as he pushed the food around on his plate. Nick was gracious enough. He had been the perfect gentleman, thanking Brian’s parents for letting him stay. Brian realized that he hadn’t been the best host. Normally his mom would’ve been all over him about it. But they had granted him the grace and solitude he needed. He knew for a fact they weren’t going to force him to go to church the next morning. That was part of the reason why he had suggested the late morning time. At least if they left at a semi-decent hour, his parents could make the noon service at church.</p><p>Brian spent the evening repacking his duffle bag. He hadn’t touched the suitcase and instead lived out the duffle. He took a shower and let the water relax him as best as he could let it. Climbing out of the shower and back into bed, he tried to fall asleep, but his brain kept running around. He’d intentionally avoided any news since he had been home. He really didn’t want to see what had happened in New York. He’d heard it on the radio and that was good enough for him. He had a feeling his name was being tossed around a lot, but Pam had kept her word and not bothered him.</p><p>Thinking about that, he remembered his cell phone on the nightstand. Reaching over and picking it up, he saw the black screen. He had forgotten he had turned it off when he had gotten there. Slowly, he pressed the power button. As the phone slowly came to life, he stared at it. It lit up blue and showed him he had thirty-five missed calls. Sighing, he scrolled through the numbers. Most of them were from Atlanta, so he figured they were either his in-laws or Leighanne’s sisters. There were a couple of calls from a California area code, so he figured they were Pam just checking on him.</p><p>He groaned and turned his phone back off. He really didn’t want to deal with anyone right now. Rolling over in bed, he tried to fall asleep. He stared at the wall and started singing in his head. It had always worked when he was too keyed up to sleep. He’d start singing hymns in his head and eventually, he would just drift off. He was halfway through the second hymn when it finally worked.</p><p>
  <em>He was walking down Broadway when he saw the plane hit the Tower. Running, he tried to get there. Eerily the streets were empty. There was no one around. He was still several blocks away when the Tower essentially collapsed in on itself. Brian stood there, staring, screaming, trying to move but not being able to.</em>
</p><p>Brian awoke with a start. He was sweating and panting. The overhead light was on. Looking up, he saw Nick by his bedside and his parents were just getting to the door.</p><p>“Brian, are you okay?” his best friend asked.</p><p>Closing his eyes and shaking his head to clear the vision of what he had been dreaming. “Yeah, I think so,” he breathed. “Why?”</p><p>“You were screaming, Dear,” his mom said from the doorway, pulling her robe tighter around her.</p><p>“I was dreaming…” he said. “It was…” he couldn’t quite capture the image in his mind. “I dunno…” He bowed his head as he struggled to free himself from the sheets.</p><p>His mom walked in and as he sat up in bed, hugged him. “It’s okay, Baby. Just go back to sleep.” She pulled away from her son and placed her hands on his cheeks. “You’ve got a long drive tomorrow. I know this is stressful for you.” She kissed his forehead. His parents backed out of the room and closed the door behind them, leaving Nick and Brian alone.</p><p>Brian looked at his best friend. “It was bad…” he whispered.</p><p>“Nightmare?” Nick asked.</p><p>Brian nodded slowly. “I’ve never been one to have them before, even as a kid.”</p><p>“Well, you’re going through a lot right now.”</p><p>Brian rubbed his eyes. “Yeah…” He glanced over at the clock on his nightstand. It was two in the morning. “Would you stay with me?” Brian asked meekly.</p><p>Nick looked around the room and saw nothing much but the full-sized bed. He walked over and turned the light off before coming back to stare at the bed. He watched as Brian slid over before he slid beneath the sheets. “If you kick me…” he taunted. </p><p>Brian shook his head slowly. “I won’t. Not like old times.”</p><p>Nick glared at him as he wound up right next to Brian. “I was a lot smaller when we used to do this.”</p><p>“I know,” Brian sighed, rolling over carefully. Slowly, he drifted off to sleep sometime after Nick did. It was strange feeling Nick next to him. They used to share beds when they were younger to make the money stretch farther when they were touring. Brian had gotten so used to having Leighanne sleep next to him when they were together. It had been just about four years. He slept lightly beside Nick, but at least there were no more nightmares.</p><p>Brian awoke to have about four inches of bed to sleep on. He was about forced off of it because Nick had sprawled out. His six-foot frame was nothing to be messed with, especially when he was asleep. Slipping out of bed, he glanced at the clock. It was about six. He’d managed a few hours of sleep. Quietly he walked out of his room and down to the kitchen. His mom was already up and smiled gently at him. “Coffee’s made, Sweetie.”</p><p>“Thanks, Mom,” he said moving over to get a mug.</p><p>“So you’re driving to Atlanta today…” his mom questioned.</p><p>“Yeah,” Brian replied, filling his mug with coffee.</p><p>“Nick’s going with you?” She asked, sitting down at the table. Brian nodded as he added sugar to his coffee. “Good. I don’t want you going alone.”</p><p>Brian slouched. “Mom, I’m fine, really.” He shuffled to a chair and sat down.</p><p>Jackie reached over and placed a hand on top of her son’s. “Honey, please take care of yourself. I know you’ve got a lot on your plate right now. Please know that we are only a phone call away. If we have to, your father and I will drive down to help, you know that.” Brian nodded and sipped his coffee. “Brian, honey, I have no idea how you are holding it all together right now. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I saw the footage. It’s been eerie.” </p><p>Brian continued to drink his coffee. He really had no words for what was going through his mind right then. Eventually, he heard his father join them, snagging the paper from the front porch first before sitting down in his chair at the end of the table. Brian saw the front page of the Herald-Leader and froze. It was a picture of a few firemen raising a flag at the World Trade Center. Above it, it said, “The day that changed America.”</p><p>Jackie, seeing her son’s startled look, reached over to her husband and placed a hand on his forearm. “Harold,” she said quietly.</p><p>Glancing at his wife and then folding the paper down to see his son stock still, Harold closed the paper and turned it over to look at it. Seeing the image, he folded it over and apologized.</p><p>“Is that what it looks like?” Brian whispered.</p><p>Jackie looked at her son and sighed. “You haven’t seen it, have you?”</p><p>“No,” Brian stated, looking down at his cup.</p><p>“It’s mostly ash,” Harold said.</p><p>“Ash?” Brian asked.</p><p>Harold nodded. “With the exception of some structural pieces, they’re not finding anything.”</p><p>Brian gulped. “Anything?” he squeaked.</p><p>His mom got up and put her arm around his shoulder. “Oh, Sweetheart, I’m so sorry.” Brian dissolved into a fresh batch of tears as his mother held him. It took him a while to finally get himself together. By the time he was sniffing and his mother was handing him a napkin, Nick was joining them.</p><p>“Is everything okay?” Nick asked, heading for the cups.</p><p>Brian wiped at his eyes as his mother said, “Yeah, we’re fine.”</p><p>“Just the paper today,” Harold said, as Nick came around with his coffee mug. Harold held the front page at an angle so Nick could see and the younger man nodded.</p><p>“Ah,” Nick said, sitting down. “Yeah.” He sipped his coffee for a minute in silence watching Brian try to regain his composure. “So what time did you wanna leave?” He asked, trying to get Brian to talk.</p><p>Brian slid his hand through his hair. “I dunno. Nine, ten-ish.”</p><p>Nick nodded. “That’s good. Because I know you’re probably all packed, but I’ve got to take care of that.”</p><p>Brian bit his lip and looked down at his coffee. He really didn’t want to leave but knew he had to take care of things.</p><p>Jackie, sensing the unease, jumped up. “It’s Sunday morning. Harold and I are obviously catching the late service. Let me make you boys breakfast.”</p><p>“Mom, you don’t have to,” Brian started to protest.</p><p>“How often are you home?” She replied, heading into the kitchen and pulling out things she would need. “It’s the least I could do. You boys go up and get dressed and I’ll get breakfast on the table.”</p><p>“Come on, Bri,” Nick said, playfully smacking Brian’s shoulder. </p><p>Brian sighed and followed Nick back to his room. It took him a little time to figure out what he was going to wear and when he was finally dressed and trudging back to the kitchen, the house smelled of pancakes. Somehow he managed to keep it together during grace when his father had asked not only for travel mercies but also for peace and understanding during this difficult time.</p><p>Brian tried to eat but found it difficult. Nick, on the other hand, was not letting the home-cooked meal go to waste. As Brian tried his best to at least get some food in him, he sighed. His mom patted his hand and looked at him. “It’s okay, Brian,” she told him.</p><p>As Brian finished and cleared his plate, he stood at the sink and rinsed the dishes there before loading them into the dishwasher. His mother tried to convince him that she would take care of it, but he just shook his head and kept rinsing. As Nick finished and handed Brian his plate, he rushed off to go pack. Brian finished cleaning the kitchen and looked at his mom. “It’s calming,” he said softly.</p><p>“Normal things,” she said, putting her arm around him. “Things you just do. Yes, they are calming. Remember that.” Brian nodded. “Honey, please know we are only a phone call away.” Brian nodded again. “Why don’t you go get your things and your dad will help you load the car, okay?”</p><p>“Okay,” Brian agreed, hanging the towel up on the oven handle before slowly walking to his room. He took one last look around the room before grabbing his cell phone from the nightstand and slipping it into his pocket. He still hadn’t turned it on since that time the night before. He just felt he needed the space. Snagging his suitcase and his duffle bag, he dragged them both out into the entryway. Jackie was hugging Nick and telling him to take care of “her baby.” Brian blushed as Nick caught his eye. Nick shook Harold’s hand and thanked him for his hospitality, and the pair then headed out the opened door with Nick’s suitcase to the car.</p><p>Jackie put her arm around Brian’s shoulders. “You did a good job with him, Baby Duck,” his mother whispered to him.</p><p>Brian shrugged. “Didn’t do much. I just made sure he didn’t do anything stupid.”</p><p>“Either way,” Jackie said. She pulled him into a hug. “I love you, Brian. Take care of yourself. If you need anything…”</p><p>“I know, Mom,” he said as his father reached him and grabbed his bags from the ground. “I’ll call, I promise.”</p><p>“When you get there.”</p><p>“Yes, when I get there.” He pulled away from his mother and hugged his father who had just returned from handing the bags off to Nick. “Thanks, Dad,” he said quietly.</p><p>Harold nodded. “I love you, Son.”</p><p>Brian stepped back from his father. “I love you both. I’ll call, I promise.” He turned and hurried down the walk to the car. Nick was already in the driver’s seat. Climbing in the passenger seat, he looked at Nick. “I Seventy-Five south,” he said.</p><p>“You okay?” Nick asked as he pulled away from the curb.</p><p>“For now,” Brian groaned. Nick nodded as he found his way onto the highway and headed south towards Tennessee and eventually Georgia.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter Five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is a long one. AND I cried at least three times writing it. So just grab the tissues now, okay?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <h2>Chapter Five</h2>
</div><p>The drive from Brian’s family home was fairly uneventful. Brian lapsed into silence the moment they got on the correct interstate. Nick drove to Jellico, the state line, and they switched drivers. All through Tennessee, Brian rambled. His brain was on overdrive as he drove. They snagged lunch in Knoxville and Brian ate some, but probably not nearly enough. He could tell his clothes were starting to feel different, so he had to be losing weight. Around Chattanooga, right before the Georgia state line, they traded places again, filled up on gas, and Nick drove. As much as Brian wanted to sleep, he knew he probably shouldn’t. Nick didn’t know exactly where he lived. Part of him really wanted to get back to his house, but he wasn’t sure if he’d even be able to set foot in it. He watched the road sign that said “Welcome We’re Glad Georgia’s On Your Mind” pass. They were so close to his home now, or at least the home he had shared with Leighanne.</p><p>The closer they got, Brian tried to pay attention more. He told Nick where to turn off, which was about an hour and a half since he had been driving. “I thought you lived in Atlanta?” Nick asked, following Brian’s instructions.</p><p>“Large city, Nick. I actually live in Marietta, well, the outskirts of it.” He watched as Nick maneuvered the car through the turns that Brian had told him to make. It was a little after three in the afternoon. Brian’s land, forty acres out in the middle of nowhere, was peaceful. He rather enjoyed it. He wasn’t bothered by fans and no one really knew where he lived.</p><p>As Nick turned into the driveway, Brian’s heart began to race. What was he going to find there? The house looked eerie. The gardener was supposed to come on Mondays and the maid on Fridays. These were things he had set up for the duration of the time Leighanne was with him on tour. Looking up at the large two-story house, Brian sighed. He slowly climbed out of the car and went to grab his duffle bag. Fishing for the keys in the outside pocket, he found them and inched towards the front door. Nick was right behind him with both suitcases.</p><p>Brian slid the key into the deadbolt and turned. He heard the click before unlocking the doorknob. He turned the doorknob and pushed open the door, hearing the beeping of the security alarm. He stepped over to the keypad and punched in his code, disabling the alarm. He motioned Nick inside, who brought the suitcases, and gently kicked the door closed behind him.</p><p>Brian felt the cold, stale air of a house that had been empty for a while all around him. It felt extremely weird. He’d come home from long stints away before, but it hadn’t felt like this. It felt heavy. He let his duffle bag drop out of his hand as he slowly spun in a circle in the foyer taking in the staircase, the chandelier. He could smell Leighanne’s perfume in the air.</p><p>Nick was watching closely and slid forward to catch Brian before he completely fell. He pulled the broken man to his chest and let him cry. The tears this time were mixed with sobbing screams over everything that had gone on. Nick felt Brian slipping further down and he gently helped him to the tile floor of the foyer. They stayed there a long while, Brian crying in Nick’s lap. Nick just sat there with his hand on Brian’s back. Nick wasn’t sure how long they were there on the floor, but he knew his foot had fallen asleep before Brian had managed to control his sobs. He didn’t dare move though.</p><p>Slowly Brian pushed himself up into a sitting position, the tears still leaking from his eyes. “Why did this happen, Nick?” he gasped.</p><p>“I don’t know,” Nick whispered. “I really don’t know.”</p><p>Brian swiped at the tears on his face angrily. He was tired of crying. It felt like that was all he did right now. Finding his strength, he gradually climbed off the floor and watched as his best friend stood up with him, wincing in pain. Brian tipped his head, wiping his face again.</p><p>“It’s nothing,” Nick told him. “Foot just fell asleep.” He shook his foot as Brian shook his head slowly.</p><p>The headache had suddenly formed in his forehead and Brian closed his eyes against the pain. Brian shuffled through the quiet house. He instinctively headed towards the kitchen counter where the phone was sitting. He dropped his keys next to the small pile of mail that had missed the mail stoppage notice. He sighed. He knew there was always mail because there was at least a day lag between when the post office got the form and when actually started holding his mail. He was glad Abigail had remembered to get it from the mailbox. Out of habit, he looked at the answering machine. He knew there shouldn’t be any messages because everyone who knew him either had his cell phone number or knew he was on tour. Brian was surprised to see the red LED light blinking saying that he had a new message. His hand hovered over the play button. He opted not to listen to it right then. If it were important, then they would’ve called him on his cell. It wasn’t a big deal right now.</p><p>Brian walked from the kitchen and saw Nick still standing there. “Oh, sorry, Nick,” he said. “Come on,” he snagged his duffle and his suitcase and headed upstairs with Nick behind him. He led him to one of the guest bedrooms. “You can stay in this room.”</p><p>“How big is your house?” Nick asked in amazement.</p><p>“Fifty-seven hundred square feet.”</p><p>“Dang!” Nick said as he opened the door of the guest bedroom and saw the beautiful queen-sized bed.</p><p>“This room has its own bathroom,” Brian said.</p><p>Nick just slid his suitcase into the room and stood there for a minute. “Man, you are making this celebrity thing look good.”</p><p>Brian shrugged. “I wanted the land. Leighanne wanted the house. It was a good mix.”</p><p>Nick waited for a second, hearing Brian mention his wife’s name. He saw the minuscule break in his features, the downturn of his mouth slightly, the glance at the ground. “It’s going to be okay,” Nick said.</p><p>“I hope so,” Brian replied softly, walking into the bathroom and opening the medicine cabinet. He pulled out a bottle of Tylenol and poured himself two pills before walking out.</p><p>“Headache?” Nick asked.</p><p>Brian nodded. “Yeah.” He headed downstairs and back into the kitchen. Grabbing a glass, he filled it with water from the tap and tossed the two pills in his mouth before chasing them with water. He finished the glass and looked over at the answering machine. The red message indicator light was still blinking. Leaning over he pressed the play button. The machine beeped and told him in a mechanical voice that he had one new message. When the voice on the other end changed Brian’s heart stopped. It was his wife. “Hi, Husband. I really don’t know why I’m calling you at the house. I just wanted to say that I love you and I’ll always love you.” That was all. A ten-second message. The machine went on in its mechanical voice: “Tuesday, eight thirty-two AM.” Brian stood there unable to move. He stared at the machine. He didn’t dare touch anything for fear of accidentally erasing the message. The message had come from Leighanne on Tuesday. The only Tuesday Brian could remember them being apart was now nearly a week ago. It had come in at eight thirty-two in the morning. That meant that Leighanne was calling from the plane. That meant that she must have been using one of the seatback credit card phones. Brian wasn’t sure why she was calling him from the air unless she had some suspicion of what was going on around her. Once they said their goodbyes on the ground, they never called each other from the air. It was just too expensive to do so. That’s why they called from the airport. Brian figured she must have had some idea of what was going on. </p><p>But why would she call the house and not his cell phone? Brian played the message again. He didn’t hear any fear in her voice and she wasn’t whispering or anything else to indicate that something was going on. Maybe she just had a feeling that something was wrong and she had wanted to call him? Brian wasn’t sure. But it was one of the last things he had left of his wife. No matter whether she knew she was going to die or not, she had given him such a wonderful gift right then in leaving that message for him on their home answering machine.</p><p>Tears started to trickle down his cheeks again. He wasn’t sure how he had any tears left. The pain he felt was overwhelming. He put his head down on the counter and just buried his face in his arms. He really hoped Nick wouldn’t come down the stairs right then, but his luck wasn’t that great.</p><p>“Hey Brian,” Nick called as he descended the stairs. Turning the corner, Nick rushed to his friend’s side, seeing him with his head down on the counter. “Are you okay?” he asked.</p><p>Brian sniffed and without lifting his head, reached over and hit the play button again on the answering machine. For the third time that afternoon, Leighanne’s voice filled the air. Nick now understood why Brian was standing with his head down. “I don’t know what I’m going to do,” Brian cried towards the counter. He felt like he couldn’t move. He didn’t know if he <em>could</em> move, everything was so heavy. Turning his head to the side finally, he said to Nick, “I don’t know if I can stay here right now.”</p><p>“Not a problem. We can get a hotel. Did you want to call your in-laws?”</p><p>Brian struggled to pick his head up off the counter. It felt as if someone was pushing it into the tile. “No. They’ve tried to call about two dozen times. I’ll call them tomorrow sometime. Let’s go see if we can get a hotel. I feel like I need to sleep.” Brian carefully reached up and opened the cover to the answering machine. Without thinking about it, he popped the cassette out of the machine and slid it into his pocket.</p><p>“Okay,” agreed Nick, as he helped Brian up and into a chair there in the kitchen. “Are you good with your duffle bag for another couple of days?” Brian nodded slowly, his head still in pain. Nick hurried off and found Brian’s duffle bag and his own backpack in the room they had been in. Racing back down the stairs, he found Brian sitting at the table, his head resting on his arms. “Come on, Bri, let’s go.” Nick had to wait as Brian moved slowly to get up and get his keys. They trudged out the door together. “Any place in particular?” he asked as they walked to the car.</p><p>Brian shook his head as he climbed back into the car he hadn’t left all that long ago. Nick pulled back out onto the road and drove until they found a hotel that fit the parameters they had drilled into their heads: indoor hallways and parking either in front or in a parking structure. Nick parked and they both slid ball caps on before entering the lobby. Thankfully the clerk recognized them and allowed them to sign in under a pseudonym while still paying with their own credit cards. Nick made all the arrangements so that they got a room with two queen-sized beds. Upon entering the room, Brian groaned. “I can take care of myself, Nick,” he grumbled.</p><p>Nick nodded, kicking the door closed and locking it. “I know. But I didn’t want you to have a repeat of the other night.” Brian rolled his eyes and moaned. He kicked off his shoes, discarded his jeans, and climbed under the sheets of the closest bed. He pulled the comforter over his head and rested his head on the cool pillow. Nick didn’t say anything, instead, he sat down on the second bed and turned on the television very low so he could watch something and Brian could sleep.</p><p>Even though it was barely five in the evening, Brian fell asleep quickly. He was thinking it would take him a whole lot longer than what it had. He was surprised that the clock on the nightstand between the two beds said four. Pulling the covers off his head, that also shocked him. He would’ve thought he’d be hot, but instead, he felt extremely cold. He glanced over at the other bed. Nick was sprawled out again, face turned toward him, sound asleep.</p><p>Sighing, Brian pulled himself from the bed and dragged himself to the bathroom. He was still cold, so he decided a shower might help in things. Standing under the hot water, he tried to clear his mind. It usually worked when he was stressed out, but not this time. His mind kept wandering to the last time he had seen Leighanne. Their last conversation. Their last concert together. He groaned and tipped his head back, letting the warm water splash his face. Things just didn’t seem right.</p><p>As he climbed out of the shower and dried off with one of the white towels, he looked at himself in the mirror. He definitely looked worn. And he had lost weight, he could tell. Wrapping the towel around his waist he tried to move as quietly as he could to his duffle bag. He dug around for clothes in the dark and eventually found something clean to wear. He traipsed back to the bathroom to change so he had some light to do it by. He ran his fingers through his wet auburn hair and tried to get it to lay flat. Finally deciding that it was the best he could do, he stepped out of the bathroom to find Nick with the bedside lamp on.</p><p>“What are you doing up?” Nick asked groggily. He sat up and rubbed his eyes.</p><p>“I could ask you the same thing,” Brian replied, stopping to sit down in a chair near the two beds.</p><p>“It’s like five in the morning,” Nick yawned. “You’re never up this early. Unless we have something to do.”</p><p>Brian shrugged. “Well, I fell asleep at like five last night.” Nick nodded his agreement. “Why don’t you get dressed. I could use some coffee.” Nick pulled himself free of his bed and went to his bag and pulled out clothes. Hurrying to the bathroom, Nick wasted no time in getting dressed. He knew this was the first time in about a week that Brian had actually suggested something and he was going to jump on it.</p><p>It wasn’t long before Nick was leading the way out of the hotel and down to the car. The pair drove around for a little bit before they found a Starbucks. Brian seemed more content as they found a small cafe table to sit at an outside at the coffee shop. “So are you ever gonna call your in-laws?” Nick finally asked after sipping his way through half his coffee.</p><p>“I guess I’m gonna have to,” Brian replied, looking at his white lid. He sighed. “They’ve called so much, it’s why I’ve kept my phone off.”</p><p>“Well of course they’ve called, Brian,” Nick stated. “They wanna know what happened.”</p><p>“But I don’t know what happened.” The anger slipped into his voice with the statement and he immediately apologized. “Sorry,” he mumbled. </p><p>“Don’t worry about it,” Nick said. “Of course you don’t know what happened. But they wanna hear from you.”</p><p>Brian hung his head. “I know,” he replied. “I just don’t know what to tell them.”</p><p>“Maybe you don’t need to tell them anything,” Nick replied. “Maybe they just want to hear from you.”</p><p>Brian held his coffee cup in both hands and stared at it. “But why?”</p><p>Nick shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe because you were with her the day before? Because you were the last person to talk to her? Because you’re her husband and they want to make sure you’re okay? I really don’t know. But I do know you can’t avoid them forever.”</p><p>Brian sighed. “I guess you’re right.” He stood up, holding his half-full cup. “Come on, I need to charge my phone, I’m sure.”</p><p>Nick stood up and in the pre-dawn light, followed Brian to the car. It took Nick a bit to get back to the hotel because he missed a turn on the way, but eventually, they found their way back to the hotel. Once in the room, Brian dug his charger out of his duffle bag and plugged it in on the desk. He dreaded turning his phone on. He was really apprehensive about listening to his voice mail messages. He couldn’t imagine what people were saying in them. Sighing, he sat down in the chair at the desk and turned his phone on. After a minute, it came on and he had another five missed calls. Scrolling the numbers, he saw that it was two different numbers from Georgia. He sighed. Deciding he would just answer the phone the next time it rang, he waited. He knew it wouldn’t be long.</p><p>He sat there in silence finishing his cold coffee. He looked over at Nick who had pulled out his Game Boy Advance from the pocket of his suitcase and was now sitting on the bed, his face hidden in the handheld game system. A little after six-thirty in the morning, his cell phone ringer broke the silence of the room.</p><p>Brian glanced at the green screen and sighed. He picked up the small plastic phone and hit the “send” button. Holding the phone to his ear, he sighed, “Hello?”</p><p>“Brian!” came the voice of his father-in-law. “Where have you been?”</p><p>Brian closed his eyes. “Sorry, Mr. Tolbert. I had to go home for a while.”</p><p>“Completely understandable,” the older man said. “I can’t imagine how you are handling things right now.”</p><p>Brian shrugged and then remembered that no one could see him. “Eh, it comes and goes,” he stated flatly. “What can I do for you?”</p><p>Jack Tolbert cleared his throat. “Shirley and I have been talking with Suzanne and Tracy. They want to put together a memorial service for Leighanne.”</p><p>Closing his eyes, Brian took a deep breath. He slowly drew circles on the desktop with his finger. “I’m fine with that,” he said softly. “I just can’t plan it…” He wanted to say that his wife handled all the planning, but bit his tongue.</p><p>“That’s perfectly fine,” Jack said. “I understand. We just wanted to check on you.”</p><p>“Thanks,” Brian whispered.</p><p>“You’re not alone are you?”</p><p>Shaking his head, Brian replied, “No. No, I’m not alone. Nick’s with me.” He paused for a minute. “About the service…”</p><p>“Yes,” Jack stated.</p><p>“Can we not do anything at the house, please? I just don’t think I’m ready for that.”</p><p>Brian could hear Jack’s voice soften. “Of course. We’ll do any receiving at our house, okay?”</p><p>“Thanks,” Brian whispered. Jack asked him some things that he just couldn’t answer and told him that Shirley was taking it hard too. Tracy and Suzanne had come to stay with them for a while. Brian quit paying real close attention and only remembered to say “Goodbye” after he heard the dial tone on the other end after Jack had hung up.</p><p>Later that morning, Brian and Nick headed back to the house. Nick needed to do laundry and Brian figured he’d better change out his clothes. The closer they got to the house, the more Brian’s head hurt and his heart pounded. When they finally arrived, Brian sat in the car in the driveway staring at the exterior of the house for a long time before he finally climbed out. Nick was there, just sitting in silence, waiting for Brian. He didn’t push, didn’t say much. Once inside, Brian slowly walked around the main floor. Brian had decided on the way over that he still couldn’t sleep in the house yet, so they were going to spend another night at the hotel. </p><p>Brian led Nick to the laundry room and they started Nick’s load first. Brian left his suitcase there in the laundry room, dumped the clothes from his duffle bag in a basket, and headed upstairs. Nick followed as Brian walked slowly down the hallway. Brian stopped outside a room near the master suite and sighed. He placed a hand on the door and stared at the ground. “We were just starting to talk about a family,” he whispered. “This was supposed to be Baylee’s room.”</p><p>Nick raised an eyebrow. “Baylee?”</p><p>Brian shrugged. “Yeah, we had the name picked out. Boy or girl didn’t matter. That was the way she told me she wanted to start a family. She gave me a name.”</p><p>Nick placed a hand on Brian’s shoulder as he cried silently at the door for a moment. Eventually, Brian picked his head up, wiped his eyes, and turned to look at the end of the hall. Nick could tell he was preparing himself, he’d seen the “look” enough times before they went on stage. The squaring of the shoulders. The straightening of the spine. The tip of the head. He waited and watched as Brian slowly walked the few steps to the double doors at the end of the hall. </p><p>Brian’s hands rested on the door handles for a very long moment. He took a deep breath and very slowly turned the handle. He pushed the doors open and stood just a step inside the master suite. His heart was pounding in his ears. His breath was tight in his chest. Inhaling, he swore he could smell Leighanne’s perfume in the air. He was positive that if he walked across the room to the master bathroom, she would be in there, in the tub, bubbles all around. He closed his eyes against the memory. In his head, he knew she wasn’t there.</p><p>“You okay, Bri?” Nick asked softly.</p><p>Brian’s breathing was shallow and he panted, “Yeah…”</p><p>Nick saw that Brian was not handling things well. He’d never really seen him like this before, but something about his demeanor told him something was wrong. Slipping a hand onto his elbow, Nick told him, “We’re here to get a change of clothes. A few days worth. Focus on that.”</p><p>Brian nodded slowly and allowed Nick to lead him into the room and help him find clothes. He knew at some point, he’d have to come back. He groaned, and they headed downstairs again. They moved Nick’s clothes into the dryer and Brian slowly packed his duffle bag there in the laundry room. He snagged the jeans he had been wearing the day before and pulled out the mini-cassette he had taken from the answering machine and slid it into the side pocket of his duffle bag next to his keys. When Nick’s clothes were dry and folded and stashed in his backpack, Brian locked up again and the pair headed out again. Brian knew that the laundry he had tossed in the baskets in the laundry room would get done. He had stowed his suitcase in the garage. He knew he needed to call Abigail later and let her know about the laundry.</p><p>As they drove off to find lunch, Brian thought about being in the house. It was entirely too big for one person now. He and Leighanne had intended to fill the house with kids. That obviously wasn’t going to happen now. He sighed as Nick pulled up in front of a small cafe. “Sandwiches?” he asked. Brian nodded slowly and they had lunch together before heading back to the hotel. Brian could barely believe that the next day marked a week. How had it been a week since he had last told Leighanne he loved her? Since he had held her while he slept? Since he had kissed her goodbye? Arriving back at the hotel, he cringed as the pair entered the room. Brian crawled up on the bed and pulled the covers over himself. He drifted in and out of sleep over the next several hours.</p><p>The next few days were a blur for Brian. He spoke with his father-in-law a few times as they were planning the memorial service for the following week. Air travel had been opened back up but they wanted to give people plenty of notice so they could make arrangements and arrive. Brian had told Pam what was going on that he didn’t want any media there at all. That the date would be shared only among family and friends. Pam supported his decision and vowed to keep the information as best she could out of the press.</p><p>It had taken until Friday before Brian could actually stay in the house again. And even with that, he wasn’t upstairs. Nick had gladly taken the guest room he had been offered, but Brian had taken to sleeping on the couch in the living room. Nick had noticed though that it wasn’t so much sleeping, as it was drifting in and out of consciousness for Brian. And even when he was awake, he definitely wasn’t the Brian he had grown up with on the road. Nick ached for his friend. He hated seeing him so withdrawn. Being back at the house meant that they could actually eat real food. That was one thing Brian hadn’t given up on: cooking. He seemed to lose himself in making meals for the two of them. They were nothing extravagant, but Brian was laser-focused on what he was doing.</p><p>The memorial service had been set for the twenty-sixth. It was a Wednesday, two weeks after what had happened. Brian had made up his mind on what he was doing and on Monday morning, called Abigail and told her what he needed to. He actually stepped outside and spoke to Paul, the gardener, that morning when he was out trimming the grass. Paul was extremely surprised to see Brian there. They had returned the rental car their second day back in Georgia and switched to Brian’s truck for getting around. Nick had booked his flight back to Tampa for the morning after the memorial service. Even though the drive wasn’t bad from where he was at, Nick was tired of driving.</p><p>Monday afternoon, Brian was standing in the hallway of his house again, staring at the doors to the master suite. He hadn’t been in there since the first time. Now he was on a mission. He had one goal: his black suit. He sighed as he stared at the doors. Nick stepped out of his guest room and saw Brian standing there. “You okay, Brian?”</p><p>Swallowing hard, Brian nodded and opened the door. He walked quickly to his closet and found what he was looking for: his suit in the plastic wrap and shoes. He knew he was going to have to come in here again, but he wasn’t worried about it yet. Having what he needed, he backed out quickly and closed the doors again. Glancing at Nick still standing in the hallway, he said, “I guess I should try this on, huh?”</p><p>Nick nodded, knowing that he was picking up his rental suit the next day. He hadn’t planned on needing a suit when he had packed for the tour. Nick invited Brian into his room to take care of the trial run.</p><p>Slipping the shirt and the pants on, Brian knew instantly he had lost more weight than he had anticipated. He sighed and knew he needed to call his tailor. Nick didn’t say anything when he saw the clothes hanging off his best friend. He had seen that his clothes were getting looser but chose not to say anything.</p><p>Brian’s tailor was one of the best in the area and had done Brian’s wedding the previous year. He came to the house and when Nick had told him what had happened because Brian pretty much refused to say anything, he vowed to have Brian’s suit ready the next afternoon and would personally deliver it.</p><p>Early Tuesday morning, Nick woke to sounds in the house. Creeping out of his bed, he snuck downstairs, knowing no one but he and Brian were there. He found Brian curled up on the couch, the glow of the TV illuminating him. Coming around beside the older man, Nick saw the tears dripping down his face. Looking at the screen, he was surprised to see one of their old videos playing. It wasn’t just the music video, it was the making of one of them. It took Nick a minute to place the scene and when he finally did recognize the tape, his heart broke for Brian. He was sitting there watching the footage from their video to “As Long As You Love Me.” Nick, as well as the rest of the world, knew that Brian and Leighanne had met on the set of that video. They had instantly connected. </p><p>Nick sat down next to Brian and watched the screen. Brian didn’t move initially. When the footage finished, the video played. Brian tipped his head onto Nick’s shoulder as they watched the screen together. When the video ended and it transitioned to a sneak peek of “All I Have to Give,” Brian silently picked up the remote and rewound it. He stopped at the end of the “Everybody” video and started playing the behind the scenes footage again. “How many times have you watched it?” Nick asked softly.</p><p>“Four,” was Brian’s flat reply. The pair watched through the segment again. “Why did this happen?” Brian asked, wiping at the tears.</p><p>Nick slipped his arm around his best friend’s shoulder. “I really don’t know, Bri.” Sometime in the fifth or sixth time through, Brian dozed off on Nick’s shoulder. The only reason he knew was that Brian didn’t stop the video when “All I Have to Give” started. Carefully Nick grabbed the remote and stopped the playback. He turned the TV off and gently leaned Brian down onto the couch so he could sleep. He couldn’t fathom the agony his friend was going through. Slipping back upstairs, he hoped Brian would get some sleep.</p><p>The next morning, Nick found Brian making eggs in the kitchen around eleven. They ate in silence, neither mentioning the night before. “I’ve got a meeting with my pastor today,” Brian said as they ate.</p><p>“About tomorrow?” Nick asked. Brian nodded. “And your suit is supposed to be dropped off.” Brian nodded again. “I’ve gotta pick mine up too,” Nick stated. Brian bit his lip. As casual as the conversation was, Nick could tell it was making Brian anxious.</p><p>Brian sighed as the pair headed out to get Nick’s suit. Once they had Nick’s suit in the car, Brian had Nick drive to the church. His heart was pounding as well as his head. Pulling up at the gorgeous church made Brian have to catch his breath. He was grateful the pastor was waiting in the parking lot for him. “Brian,” the older man said gently. “I cannot fathom the pain you are going through.” Brian somehow managed to keep himself upright as the pastor led him to a bench around the side of the building. Nick slipped out of the truck and leaned on the fender, waiting.</p><p>Once he was sitting, Brian stared at the ground beneath him. “I know we were just here last year,” the pastor said gently. Brian sniffed, trying to hold it together. “This is what Leighanne’s parents decided on,” the man said, holding a piece of paper for Brian to see. Brian barely read the words, hardly glanced over it before he shrugged. “Just like before,” he continued, “you’ll be in the antechamber with me. The whole family will be with you this time.” Brian swallowed. “Your parents included,” the pastor added and Brian nodded. He knew his parents were arriving that night. They had promised to stay at a hotel, so as not to bother him. “Do you have any questions?”</p><p>Brian took a deep breath. “Why?”</p><p>The older man looked at Brian. “Why did this happen?” Brian nodded. “Because someone made a choice. Leighanne chose to get on that plane. Someone else chose to use that plane for evil.”</p><p>“Why would…” Brian couldn’t finish the question.</p><p>“Why would God allow it?” the pastor asked and Brian slowly bowed his head. “God doesn’t ‘allow’ these things to happen. He allows for free will. What people do with that is their own decision. If you haven’t already, you’ll probably hear a lot of things, like ‘Heaven needed another angel,’ or ‘God called her home,’ and I know they mean very little. But know that this was not of God. This was an act perpetrated by evil. I know you are doubting right now and nothing I say will change that. All I can say is that I pray that God helps move you through this time and that you see God in it.” Brian sniffed. “I know you probably won’t see the sanctuary tomorrow, but just like your wedding last year, I expect it to be filled with those who loved Leighanne. And it will likely be more than last year. She touched a lot of people, Brian. And her story will continue to touch people when you choose to tell it.”</p><p>Brian coughed, trying to hold back the tears again. He was so tired of them. He especially didn’t want to cry now.</p><p>The pastor placed a hand on his knee. “If you are okay with everything, I’ll go call Jack and Shirley.” Brian nodded. “I’ll need you here by nine. The service will hopefully start by ten.” Brian nodded again. “I’ll leave you be. Stay as long as you’d like.”</p><p>Brian heard the pastor walk away. He stayed on that bench for a while until he heard Nick’s footsteps coming towards him. Nick stayed back and waited until Brian finally stood up and together they walked silently back to Brian’s truck.</p><p>Later that afternoon, Brian’s suit was delivered. He tried it on and it fit perfectly. That night, he tried to get to bed early but wound up not sleeping much at all. Again, he filled the living room with the memories of when he and Leighanne had first met. He got up at one point and went to a cabinet. He pulled out the boxes of photos from their wedding and splayed them on the coffee table. Sighing, he knew what he needed to do. Quietly, he packed a box with the wedding photos and videos. He placed it in the laundry room with a note on it for Abigail. She would take care of it for him.</p><p>The next morning, Nick dropped him off at the church early and then waited for the rest of the group to arrive so they could be together. Brian found his way to the pastor’s office and was met by his mother. She hugged him tightly. His father and brother were there and Brian hugged each of them as well. Together, the family was led by the church secretary through to the anteroom where Leighanne’s family was waiting. The dark colors were overwhelming to Brian and as Shirley hugged, he glanced at his own mother. Everyone was already looking worn, the women all had tissues in their hands from crying. Eventually, the pastor came in and led them in prayer. Brian didn’t hear a word. His heart was pounding against his chest as if it might burst. The pastor stepped to him and Brian had a flash of memory from the year before. He was in that room. It was the happiest day of his life. He was about to marry the love of his life. He blinked. He heard the sniffling behind him. He realized this wasn’t his wedding. It was a memorial. For his wife. He slowly backed up a step. He took another step back. “No,” he whispered. His mom looked at him. “No. This can’t be happening,” he said softly. Other eyes began to focus on him. He shook his head and backed up another step. “I can’t do this,” he said, louder. “I can’t.” Brian had continued to back up, people separating to allow him space in the small room.</p><p>He had managed to put himself against a wall and was searching with his hand for a non-existent doorknob as if looking for an exit. That was when his mom stepped in front of him. “Brian,” she said softly, “look at me.” Brian’s eyes were unfocused. She stepped closer to him, and gently placed her hands on his cheeks. “Brian,” she said again. “My sweet boy, look at me.” Slowly Brian’s blue eyes found his mother’s. “My precious Baby Duck, I know this is the worst for you. I can see it in your eyes.” Brian blinked slowly, tears ready to start pouring again. “We all know how much you loved Leighanne and how much she meant to you. We are all here for you today. We’re here for her.” She pulled him to her and he sobbed against her shoulder.</p><p>The room was still, save for Brian’s sobbing. The pastor placed a hand on Brian’s shoulder. “Whenever you’re ready…” he said quietly.</p><p>It took Brian another two minutes to compose himself. His mother dried his eyes just like she did when he was younger. Taking a breath, he knew he wasn’t going to make it through the service without more tears. He mentioned as much to his mom, who handed him a few tissues to put in his pockets. Looking around the room at the people who were closest to him at that moment, he sighed. Slowly he nodded to the pastor who led them out into the very sanctuary Brian had gotten married in the year before. He saw everything, yet really saw nothing. It was a blur. He heard all the murmurs within the large room cease the moment the family stepped out. Brian was led out by his mom, with his dad and brother behind them. Leighanne’s parents and sisters were behind them. Jackie led Brian to the first pew, Brian shuffling his feet and staring at the ground the whole way. This wasn’t supposed to be happening, his brain told him. He sat down and leaned his head on his mother’s shoulder. She smoothed his hair and let him stay there.</p><p>Brian really didn’t notice anything about the service. He knew there were hymns, songs, prayers, scripture. But none of it registered in his head. When he was gently nudged to follow the pastor out, down the aisle, his brain only focused on what he needed to do. He was led out into the bright autumn sunshine and ushered into a waiting car. He was glad his mom, dad, and brother were with him. The Tolberts followed in another car. Receiving was at Jack and Shirley’s place. Brian kept to himself. People came up to him. Told him they were sorry. Asked if there was anything they could do. His four bandmates found him and embraced him. </p><p>Somehow Brian managed to make it through and Nick drove him back to the house that afternoon. Brian was numb as he changed, hung his suit in the laundry room, and changed clothes. He knew Abigail would send it out for dry cleaning. Nick left him alone, as he ran off to return his rental. When he got back, Brian was curled up on the couch under a blanket.</p><p>The next morning, Brian dressed, tucked the cassette in his pocket, snagged his keys, cell phone, and charger, and helped Nick with the last of his packing. They called for a cab and Nick didn’t ask why, but figured it was because Brian wasn’t able to drive back home.</p><p>Things at the airport were different now. Only Nick was allowed up on the concourse because he was flying. He had to have his bag inspected before he went up. Brian just stood back and watched. Once Nick had hugged him goodbye and headed up the escalator, Brian turned on his heel and headed down to the Delta ticket counter. He showed his ID, got his ticket, and headed up to security. His flight was on the other end of the terminal from Nick’s and was about an hour later than his, so he had plenty of time to kill. His heart was racing at what he was doing, but he knew what he needed to do. By the time he got on the plane, his anxiety was so high, he was shaking. He hadn’t been this nervous for a flight in years. But as the plane took off and climbed to cruising altitude, Brian looked out the window. He knew this was the right decision to make.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter Six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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  <h2>Chapter Six</h2>
</div><p>December 1, 2001</p><p>Brian Littrell opened his front door and stepped outside. He was in a long sleeve tee shirt and a pair of jeans. He spun his keys around his finger as he walked down the hallway. He took the stairs down the four flights to the ground floor and walked to the row of mailboxes on the wall of the building. He ran his hand along the metal boxes until he came to his. Sliding his key into the hole, he turned it and opened the rectangular box and saw it was jammed with envelopes. Sighing, he pulled the handful of mail out of the opening and closed the door on the box.</p><p>He shuffled the letters in his hand as he walked back up the stairs to his apartment. Walking into the small two-bedroom apartment, Brian kicked the door closed and tossed his keys on the table by the door. He walked over and tossed the pile of mail on the small round table. Walking through to the kitchen, he opened the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of orange juice. Grabbing a glass from the cupboard, he filled it before putting the bottle back. Walking back over to the table, he sat down and slowly started drinking. He flipped through the envelopes sorting them.</p><p>He stopped halfway through and stared at the envelope. It was from his attorney. Slowly, he tore open the end and dumped the paper that was inside out. Flipping the single sheet so that it snapped, he slowly read the paper. He groaned.</p><p>Standing up, he walked over to the table in the living room and picked up his new cell phone. Slowly he dialed the number on the page. After speaking with the receptionist, his call was put through to his attorney. Even though it was Saturday, Brian wasn’t surprised to find Martin working on the weekend.</p><p>“Is this Brian?” Martin asked. “Do you know how hard we have been looking for you?”</p><p>“I know…” Brian started to say but Martin cut him off.</p><p>“Where are you? No one has seen you since the memorial service. And believe me, for someone like you that is super hard to do.”</p><p>Brian sighed. “I’m here in LA.”</p><p>The shock in Martin’s voice was evident. “You’re here? How is it you have been hiding out <em>here</em>? Do you know how insanely hard that is for someone of your caliber?”</p><p>“I know…” Brian said quietly. He knew precisely what Martin meant. The fact that he had been living in the celebrity capital of the world and no one knew he was there still amazed him. The only reason, Brian knew, was because he didn’t venture out. He pretty much kept to his apartment. “How did you find me?”</p><p>“Well, that was a small miracle,” Martin said. Brian could tell he was pacing in his office. “When you weren’t answering at the house or your cell phone, I started sending letters. It took a while, but my assistant finally dug up an address of yours out here in California. I had thought you had sold it but figured it was worth a shot. That’s why you’re calling, correct? You got the letter.”</p><p>Brian bit his lip. “Yeah. The guys wanna meet?”</p><p>“Monday.” Brian sighed. “Yes, we had this set. I hoped you would show up. I didn’t want to have to start taking action against you, but they were insistent. If you don’t show Monday, there are consequences: financial, legal. They’re serious Brian. They haven’t heard from you in two months.”</p><p>“I just needed some time,” Brian told his attorney.</p><p>“I know that. They know that too, I’m sure of it. But seriously here, Brian. You have to let <em>someone</em> know. You can’t just up and disappear. I’ve had your mom calling me too!”</p><p>“My mom?” </p><p>“Yeah. She’s worried sick about you. If you do anything between now and Monday, call her. Please. Diane is so tired of hearing from her and not being able to give her an answer.”</p><p>Brian slowly sat down and ran his hand over the letter again. He needed to call his mom. He hardly listened as Martin went on about how Pam had been trying to cover for him. Instead, he actually read the letter Martin had sent out. It wasn’t exactly legalese, but he knew from the tone, that the <em>official</em> letter would come next if he didn’t show up on Monday. He read that he had already been fined for the missed meeting near the thirty-day mark and he really didn’t care. Flipping the mail as Martin spoke, he saw a letter from his accountant. Tearing it open, he saw that Sean was also telling him to get his act together and about the fine that had been levied.</p><p>“So, will you be there Monday?” Martin finally asked.</p><p>Brian sighed. “Yeah. I’ll be there. Your office?”</p><p>“No, Levin and Levin.” Brian groaned. It was the group’s attorney. “But I’ll be there for you.”</p><p>Brian rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. “Thanks. I might need it.” Marcus Levin played hardball. That was why the group had retained him. When AJ had been eyeball deep in his addictions, Marcus was the one who didn’t play games with him. Fines, contracts, whatever the group needed, Marcus did. He was a “take no prisoners, no one gets out alive” type of guy.</p><p>“Okay. Monday. Nine AM. Dress nice, please. Let’s not give them anything else, okay?”</p><p>“Okay,” Brian agreed. He didn’t really need to be told but figured that was just Martin’s way of making sure he actually did what he was supposed to.</p><p>“And call your mom for God’s sake.”</p><p>“I will, I promise.” Brian hung up a moment later. He took the time to finish sorting his mail, finish his orange juice and put the glass in the sink before he sat down on his sofa and slowly dialed his mom’s number. His mom was overjoyed to hear from him. She admonished him gently about disappearing but ultimately understood what he was going through and that he needed time and space away from everything and everyone.</p><p>As Brian hung up from the phone call with his mom, he walked back into the second bedroom of the apartment. He saw the cardboard box on the floor. Abigail had mailed it to him two days after Leighanne’s service. He’d been through it numerous times in the two months he had been living in Los Angeles. </p><p>The apartment, though larger than most two-bedrooms and more open, was something Brian had maintained, even though he had purchased the property in Georgia. He owned it outright within the building, which was the case with all the third and fourth floors. The rent on the first two floors was so high though, that it kept away the lower-income families and singles and instead was reserved more for those who were there for a short time, for a movie or a show. Brian had purchased the apartment primarily as a second residence because all the business side of his work was based in the city. That and Leighanne was still acting. He wasn’t going to have her staying in someone else’s place while she was out here on the West Coast.</p><p>Brian sighed and pulled out the wedding album from the top of the box. They had just finished putting it together at the end of July. There was another album beneath it. Brian sighed. He wanted to sit there on the floor and go through the memories again. He had finally stopped crying when he did look at the photos. Now it just hurt. Shaking his head, he put the album back on top of the box and closed the lid. He still hadn’t figured out what to do with the photos and albums and videos. He knew in his mind he wanted this room to be his place to be with Leighanne. That was why he had shipped the box. He hoped, at some point, he’d be able to bring more here, he just wasn’t sure when that would be.</p><p>The weekend passed slowly for Brian. He spent time going through his mail, reading and watching cheesy movies to pass the time. It was pretty much all he did these days. He knew he needed to do more, his body was aching to be out there and moving again. But every time he thought about what he could be doing, his heart reminded him of the pain still there.</p><p>Sunday night, Brian found himself on the couch watching videos again. He watched the <em>ET</em> footage from their wedding. He watched the videos from “As Long As You Love Me” and “I’ll Never Break Your Heart.” He wondered if he’d ever be able to sing those songs again. He hadn’t sung in almost three months. He dozed off in the early morning hours of Monday and woke when the sunlight hit him at seven. This was pretty routine for him now. He hadn’t slept in a bed since the hotel in Georgia. He refused to sleep in the one there in the apartment. </p><p>Walking back to the bedroom, he dug through the clothes he had there and found a button-down shirt and a pair of dark jeans. Normally he would’ve gone for a suit, but none of his suits fit. He hated the fact that he had lost so much weight. He tried to eat but was still having a difficult time doing so. Knowing he had a drive ahead of him, he grabbed his keys and headed out, about an hour and a half before the meeting. He hated driving in the city. If he had his choice, he wouldn’t do it. But unfortunately, there was nothing he could do about it. Sometimes he did need to go out. Arriving outside the offices of Levin and Levin, Brian sighed. He really wasn’t ready to do this, but he knew his bandmates deserved an explanation. He met his attorney in the lobby of the multi-floor building.</p><p>Martin adjusted his tie and his glasses before he finally shook Brian’s hand. “It’s good to finally see you again,” he said. “Glad you’re here. I didn’t want to have Marcus on my ass.” Brian nodded. “Shall we go up? We’re meeting in Boardroom C.” </p><p>Brian nodded again and followed Martin to an elevator. His stomach was turning circles, and it wasn’t from the elevator ride. He really wasn’t sure what to expect. Would his bandmates welcome him with open arms? Would they be angry? He really wasn’t sure. He was pretty sure they’d be angry about him just up and disappearing. But they had to understand that he needed time to get his head together. Thirty days wasn’t enough. Even ninety days, which they were approaching, wasn’t enough. He couldn’t set foot on that stage right now. He wasn’t even sure if he’d ever be able to sing some of those songs again. There was a ding announcing their floor a second before the doors slid open. Brian slowly followed Martin with his head down. The deep wood paneling made the hallway seem dark. They stopped outside a pair of double doors. Brian could hear voices inside.</p><p>“Do you think they found him?” Someone said.</p><p>“Ya think he’s gonna actually show?” Another asked.</p><p>Brian ran a hand through his hair as Martin opened the door. Walking in behind the taller attorney in a suit, Brian tried to breathe normally. He saw Marcus, his wavy blonde hair and dark suit by the window. In front of him were his cousin, Kevin, and his best friend, Nick. In the center of the table was a speaker and Brian figured Howie was joining them via phone.</p><p>“Well look at what the cat dragged in,” Marcus said, spreading his arms. “Brian, where ya been?”</p><p>Brian sat down across from Nick with Martin on his left. He shot a glance at Martin who nodded slightly. “Around,” Brian answered softly. He watched as Marcus came around the table to sit at the head of it.</p><p>“Good, everyone’s here.”</p><p>Brian knew the answer, but his mouth asked the question before he could stop himself. “Where’s AJ?”</p><p>The glare Brian got from Nick could’ve melted ice. Kevin placed a hand on top of Nick’s and looked at his cousin. “He’s back in rehab. He couldn’t handle the time away.”</p><p>Nodding, Brian tried to keep his hands still but he found himself twisting his wedding band on his left hand. He knew he should move it to his right hand, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it yet.</p><p>“So… Brian,” Marcus began, “where have you been?”</p><p>Brian shot another glance at Martin who had pulled a yellow legal pad out of his briefcase and set it before him. Martin nodded. “I’ve been here, in LA,” he answered.</p><p>“But you completely disappeared,” came Howie’s voice from the speaker.</p><p>“I know,” Brian said quietly. “I needed time.”</p><p>Kevin leaned forward towards Brian. “I think we all understand that,” he said softly. “But you up and moved, changed your number, and didn’t tell a soul you were doing it.” Brian turned away from his cousin’s piercing green eyes.</p><p>Brian’s eyes landed on Nick in front of him. He was obviously fuming mad. Brian could tell by his uptight posture. “Did you leave right after I got on the plane to go home?” Nick spat. “Is that why we took a cab to the airport?” Brian lowered his eyes to the table. </p><p>“You said thirty days with the possibility to extend,” Marcus said. “Everyone agrees to that, correct?”</p><p>Brian slipped a hand behind his neck and nodded slowly.</p><p>“We set a meeting,” Kevin said. “You missed it.”</p><p>“We had to cancel the rest of the tour,” Howie added from the speaker. “We didn’t know where you were.”</p><p>Brian sighed and stared down at the table in front of him. He was never one to shirk his responsibilities. But they just didn’t understand.</p><p>“We had offers that we had to turn down because we couldn’t find you,” Kevin said.</p><p>“We could’ve extended,” Howie said.</p><p>“We did extend,” Kevin added. “Though it was without your permission. We had to.”</p><p>Brian bit his lip. Heaving a breath, he said quietly, “You don’t understand.”</p><p>“What?” Nick asked.</p><p>“You don’t understand,” Brian repeated louder this time. The men in the room looked at him.</p><p>“What don’t we understand?” Howie asked from the speaker in the middle of the table. He was the only one who really couldn’t see the change in Brian’s demeanor.</p><p>“Everything is different now,” Brian said.</p><p>Kevin reached across the table for his cousin’s hand but Brian yanked it away. “We know that.”</p><p>“No. You don’t.” Brian stated. “She was my whole world. We were building a life together. And now that’s gone. Everything is gone. It was taken from me. I can’t go on stage right now. I don’t know if I ever can.” His voice was rising as he continued voicing his fears and frustrations for the first time in nearly three months. “Those songs, they’re special. There was a connection… to her. How am I supposed to sing them when part of me is missing?” The men in the room were silent, staring at him. “I have nothing left of her, no body to bury, no grave to visit, no ashes to save, nothing! It was taken from me.” He stood up. Reaching in his pocket, he fingered the cassette. Pulling it out he looked at it momentarily before dropping it on the table. The small clear rectangle clattered on the hardwood. “That is all I have left.” Nick gasped and looked up at Brian.</p><p>“What’s that?” Kevin asked.</p><p>“It’s Leighanne’s last words. She called me from the plane. About ten minutes before it crashed.” Brian could feel the air sucked out of the room at his words.</p><p>The silent moment hung heavy in the room as everyone stared at Brian before looking at the small cassette on the table. “Have you digitized that?” Kevin asked. Brian stared back at him. “You know that tape will degrade eventually.”</p><p>Slowly, Brian sat down and snagged the tape and carefully turned it over and over in his fingers. “I guess I should call Jade,” He said quietly.</p><p>“She’ll do it for you in a heartbeat,” Nick stated.</p><p>“And put it on whatever format you want,” Howie added.</p><p>Brian sighed and bowed his head again. “I guess I should contact Jade,” he mumbled.</p><p>Marcus cleared his throat. “So, what are we going to do now? The remainder of the tour has been canceled. AJ’s in rehab. The holidays are coming up.”</p><p>Brian picked his head up and looked at both Nick and Kevin. He paused a moment to glance at the speaker as if it actually were Howie. “Can I have some time? Like some real time? We only took weeks after my surgery. We took weeks after AJ’s first rehab stint. It’s only been a few months. I need more time. Please.”</p><p>Nick and Kevin exchanged glances. “Are you okay with that, Howie?” Kevin asked.</p><p>Howie took a moment before he answered. “We’ve pretty much been going non stop since the beginning. AJ’s in rehab again, Brian has things he needs to figure out. Maybe it is time for a break. I mean, we just gave the fans a new single and an album.”</p><p>Brian stared at everyone across the table from him. “You did?”</p><p>Kevin shrugged his shoulders. “Well, it was already put together by the label. A greatest hits album. They included ‘Drowning’ on it. They want us to do a video, but obviously, that’s not happening.”</p><p>Marcus added, “There’s already a suit against Jive about doing this without permission from the group. But frankly, because no one could find you, we don’t stand a very good chance.” Brian glanced at Martin, who shrugged at him. “So, are we in agreement then?”</p><p>“As long as Brian gives us his new phone number so we can get ahold of him again,” Nick said.</p><p>Brian shot a look at Martin, who nodded slowly. Rolling his eyes, Brian rattled off his phone number and everyone either wrote it down or added it directly to their phone.</p><p>The meeting ended a short time later, with both Nick and Kevin hugging Brian. They were both so relieved to know where he was.</p><p>As Brian left with his attorney he felt a little lighter. They had called Pam and their management firm told her that they were not going to be doing anything as a group right now to give both Brian and AJ time to heal. They had been pressed for a timeline and no one could give them one. They settled on at least a year, maybe more, but they weren’t locking themselves into a date.</p><p>Brian headed back to the apartment. He was glad he had time. He just wasn’t sure what he was going to do with all the time he now had.</p><p>Christmas was different that year. Brian didn’t decorate, didn’t have a tree. Instead, he went home and spent it with his parents. By the time the new year came, it was known that Brian was in Los Angeles. Some paparazzi had caught him coming out of the grocery store one day. He knew he couldn’t hide any longer. The few times he was seen in public, the tabloids seemed to have a field day with him and he spent many hours on the phone with Pam.</p><p>Nick released a solo album, and though Brian was called into a meeting with the management firm, he hardly paid attention to what was said. It didn’t really bother him that Nick did his own thing. He expressed that at the meeting, that at least it was on Nick’s own time and the group came first. He didn’t even care when Marcus filed suit against Jive about using the group to promote Nick’s solo record.</p><p>Pretty much everyone left Brian alone. Brian preferred it that way. He started spending time in the gym in his apartment complex. He also bought a guitar and started teaching himself to play. He did anything he could to avoid the painful memories. But he knew they were going to come back at some point.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter Seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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  <h2>Chapter Seven</h2>
</div><p>The first phone call was around the middle of July. Pam had vowed not to bother him unless something important came up. So when she called him in the middle of July, he knew this was something serious.</p><p>“Brian,” she started, “I know you said you didn’t want to do anything, but I wanted to check in with you to see if that still stands?”</p><p>Brian sighed as he sat down on the couch and moved the pages in front of him on the coffee table out of the way. “That depends, I guess,” he said. “Who’s asking?”</p><p>“Oprah,” Pam said. “She’s doing a special on the victim’s families.”</p><p>Brian rolled his eyes. “I don’t know…”</p><p>“What are your terms? Do you wanna go there? Do you want an audience? They say they are willing to do just about anything for you.”</p><p>“I really don’t know, Pam.”</p><p>Pam paused for a moment. “Would you at least entertain the thought for me please? I’m expecting this to just be the beginning of requests.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>Pam’s voice instantly softened. “Oh, Hon. It’s been almost a year.”</p><p>Brian’s breath caught in his throat. How had it been almost a year? “A year?” he asked, more out of disbelief than as an actual question.</p><p>“Yes, Hon,” Pam said quietly. “I’ve been holding them off for almost a year now. They want to know. They deserve to know.”</p><p>“But I wouldn’t know what to say.” Brian ran a hand through his hair as he sat there on the couch staring at nothing in particular.</p><p>“We can ask for their questions to be submitted prior. So this way you know. I can help you prepare. I know this is going to be a very difficult interview for you. But there will likely be more.”</p><p>“I… I don’t know, Pam. I don’t know if I’m ready for this.”</p><p>“I completely understand,” Pam said. “But please think about it. There’s a lot we can do to make it comfortable for you. But the sooner you make up your mind, the sooner we can get them done. This way it’s not so close to the date and you can actually have that date for yourself.”</p><p>“Thanks, Pam,” whispered Brian. “I will. I’ll think about it.”</p><p>“Okay, Hon. You take care.”</p><p>Brian hung up from that conversation feeling drained like he hadn’t been in a while. He couldn’t imagine doing an interview about what happened to Leighanne. Let alone several back-to-back. It gave him a headache. Usually, when the group would do press, they’d schedule a bunch on the same day. Junkets were hard, but they usually could get all the press done for an album or a release or an awards show appearance done in one day and be done with it. Brian couldn’t imagine doing one around what had happened. He’d need time to recuperate. </p><p>The idea hit him around two the next morning. He was attempting to sleep when the thought of doing interviews at the house in Georgia came to him. He hadn’t set foot in the house in almost a year, but he continued to pay Abigail and Paul to keep it up. </p><p>The next afternoon, Brian called Pam. He had some specific requests. He wasn’t doing anything live. Everything had to be taped. All the questions had to be sent over for prior approval. Pam would work with him on answers. If at all possible, he wanted to do the interviews in Georgia, at his house there.</p><p>The following week, Brian found himself at Pam’s office in the Valley. She had gotten the list of questions from Oprah’s producer. When Brian had walked into the office, Pam had already made him a cup of tea and had the list of questions printed and waiting for him. They sat down on the couch, Brian with his mug of tea being held in both hands. The list of questions sat on his lap on a clipboard.</p><p>“Before we start preparing your answers,” Pam stated, holding her own mug of tea, “let’s go through the list and make sure there’s nothing on there you object to.” Slowly, Pam read each question. Brian took his time contemplating each one. There were very few he crossed out. When they had the final list, Pam and Brian role-played the interview. Pam made notes on the questions so hopefully, Brian would remember what to say. It took them about two hours to go through the questions and for Brian to work on answering them. He paused a lot more than he used to. He was glad Pam had a box of tissues at his feet because some of the questions and their answers brought back memories that brought on the tears. Pam let him take his time and reminded him that since the interview was taped, he could ask for breaks. She gave him tips about what to say and how to say it. When they were done, she took all her notes and told Brian she would send them to him.</p><p>It was a few days before Pam sent him the notes on the questions. She also sent him a new request for one of the morning national news shows. The request for their questions had already been sent and Pam was really just making sure that he was okay with doing more than just the one interview. Brian was fine with the second request and told her that if they wanted to do them in Georgia, he wanted them within the same week. He also didn’t want to do more than one interview a day. This wasn’t the easiest thing to talk about.</p><p>It really didn't take long before other news shows, talk shows, and broadcasts found out that Brian was entertaining talks of interviews. Brian was very careful about the interviews he chose. In the end, he wound up with Oprah, the three major networks with their morning shows, and <em>Entertainment Tonight</em>. The rest he turned down but did agree to do an interview for <em>People Magazine</em>. He knew it was going to be a very busy week in Georgia in August for him. But the way Pam planned it, he would be able to be alone in his apartment on that day, lights off, doing nothing but remembering if that was what he wanted.</p><p>As the days drew nearer to him having to fly back to Georgia, he spent more and more time with Pam, going over notes, answers, questions, everything he could. He had his stories consistent, which was what he worried about most. He really didn’t remember much about that day. He knew he hadn’t seen anything, and even nearly eleven months later, he hadn’t watched any of the footage. Oprah had been the one to ask if Leighanne had called him. He almost denied the question, but Pam was able to get the celebrity talk show host on the phone. </p><p>The afternoon that Oprah had promised to call Pam, Brian was sitting in Pam’s back office, a box of tissues in his lap and the cassette tape in his hand. He was flipping the cassette over and over in his hand. He had had Jade, one of the sound engineers he knew in the city, take the clip and save it as a track on her computer system for him. She’d also burned it on CD. She told him when he was ready, she would pull the tape from the cassette and preserve it for him.</p><p>When the phone rang, Brian jumped. He didn’t feel ready for this conversation. Pam spoke to Oprah first and then finally put her on speaker because Brian was clutching the tape in one hand and a tissue in the other.</p><p>“Brian?” came Oprah’s sultry voice over the speaker.</p><p>Brian swallowed before answering, “Yes?”</p><p>“How are you doing?”</p><p>Brian shrugged, hating the question. “Okay, I guess.”</p><p>“I know I’ll get to see you in about two weeks, but I wanted to check on something.” Brian swallowed, knowing what was coming. “Pam said you almost vetoed the question about Leigahnne calling you. Did she call you?”</p><p>Brian’s mouth went dry. He squeezed the cassette in his hand and tried to control his breathing. “Yes,” he finally whispered.</p><p>He heard Oprah’s gasp on the other end. “Do you want to talk about it?”</p><p>Licking his lips, he stuttered, “I… I… I don’t know.”</p><p>“Okay, let’s do this. When I meet with you in two weeks, if there are still things you don’t want to talk about, we won’t. Does that sound okay?”</p><p>“Okay,” Brian finally whispered after a long moment. Pam took over the call and finalized things with the host while Brian silently sat there shaking. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to talk about the recording. </p><p>When Pam got off the phone, she came over and took Brian’s hand. “I know this is extremely difficult for you. Would you like me to come with you back to Georgia?” Brian nodded. “Okay, I’ll book the flights then.”</p><p>It took Brian a good twenty minutes to compose himself before he was able to leave Pam’s office. He called Jade from the car and had her ready a copy of the cassette recording for Oprah’s producers. He still wasn’t sure he was going to go through with it, but if he did, he wanted to be ready. Once he got back to the apartment, he made himself a cup of tea and curled up on the couch, pulling a blanket over himself. It may have been the middle of summer, and he was wearing shorts and a tee-shirt, but he felt incredibly cold at that moment. He sat there, under the blanket, holding his mug of tea, staring at the blank television screen. He tried to remember what had happened that day nearly a year ago, but it was a blur. He was glad Pam was going to come with him. He knew he needed the support, not only for going to the house but through the interviews as well.</p><p>Pam called later that night with flight information and Brian called both Abigail and Paul and let them know that not only was he going to be back at the house, but to make sure things were decent. The next week and a half both seemed to fly by and drag by. The days were endless, but when he looked back at the week, it seemed like it was gone in a flash. He was boarding a plane on Friday with Pam by his side. It was the first time he had flown since his one way ticket to California. He was going to take the weekend to get himself together and organized. Pam was going to help him pick his clothes. The first interview would be Monday with Oprah. The news shows would be next, one each day. He would end the week with a double of both <em>Entertainment Tonight</em> and <em>People Magazine</em>. He flew back the following Monday, as he now refused to fly on a Tuesday.</p><p>Friday came and Brian found himself eerily calm boarding the Delta flight to Atlanta. He had made the conscious choice to switch to Delta as his airline. It had nothing to do with American or how they had treated him or his wife. He just couldn’t bring himself to fly with them again. He had brought very little with him, a small carry-on, knowing he had more at the house and probably more that he wanted to bring back with him.</p><p>Landing in Atlanta, Brian felt his chest tighten. He wasn’t sure what to expect on the drive to his house. He felt the headache start the closer the cab took them to their eventual location. Brian fingered his keys in his pocket along with the cassette. By the time they pulled up in the driveway, Brian’s heart was in his throat and he could barely breathe.</p><p>Pam helped him out of the cab and the cabbie helped them unload from the trunk before Pam paid him and he drove away. Brian was rooted to the spot staring at his house. It looked just like it had when he had left it: trees and bushes were in bloom. The humidity was weighing him down, along with his feelings, so when he finally took the time to walk to the door, he felt like his legs were made of lead. He was glad Pam was there with him. Unlocking the door, he held his breath as he stepped into the foyer. He remembered the last time he walked into the house and how he had completely collapsed on Nick. The house felt large, looming, and empty. Pam placed a hand on Brian’s shoulder. “Are you doing okay?” she asked gently.</p><p>Taking a deep breath and inhaling a scent of roses, Brian glanced around quickly. On the entry table, he saw a bouquet of red and white roses in a vase. There was a note next to it. “Wanted the house to smell nice for your return. Abigail.” Brian sighed as he read the note. That was why he had hired her. She was always so thoughtful when it came to him returning to the house.</p><p>Slowly walking into the kitchen, he saw that Abigail had outdone herself. She had not only cleaned but restocked the refrigerator for him and the pantry. He had fresh food for the week. Turning and coming back into the foyer, he led Pam upstairs to one of the guest rooms. He stopped in the hallway and stared at the master suite at the end. Pam, who hadn’t even yet opened the door to the room, placed a hand on Brian’s back and rubbed. He nodded and headed across the hall to another guest room and opened the door. Sighing, he stepped inside and looked around the immaculate room. He knew he was going to have to conquer his fear of the master suite soon, as he needed clothes from in there.</p><p>The weekend passed uneventfully. He spent Saturday with Pam, pouring over the various questions for the different interviews. He wanted to make sure his stories were consistent. Everyone had said his interviews would air during the week of the anniversary. He didn’t want to contradict himself or sound like he didn’t know what he was talking about. That night, he conquered his fear, and with Pam’s help, managed to pick his clothes for the week. He had several outfits picked for the next day. He was doing the photos for <em>People</em> before any of the interviews started. He knew he was going to be worn out from the week of interviews and didn’t want his exhaustion to show in the photos.</p><p>The photographer was one who had worked with Brian prior to what had gone on and thankfully had been clued in about what the interview was going to focus on. He made Brian feel at ease and relaxed as they did photos around both the inside and outside of his house. That night, Brian fell asleep on the bed in the guest room he was in. He had been sitting there, looking through photos late into the night when he just dozed off.</p><p>The next morning, he awoke to noises in the house he wasn't expecting. Dressing in what he had chosen for the day, he headed downstairs where Pam met him with a cup of coffee. “Oprah’s team is here, setting up. You wanted this interview in the living room, right?” Brian nodded as he sipped his coffee. He followed Pam into the room that was being lit and wired for the interview. A producer came over to him and told him they weren’t quite ready yet. Brian nodded and continued to drink his coffee.</p><p>It took about another forty-five minutes before they were ready. Pam was in a chair off-camera with a file folder in her lap. After being “wired for sound,” Brian sat down in a chintz chair and tried to get comfortable. He was on edge and was really not looking forward to this interview. He ran a hand through his hair, right as Oprah came in with her assistant.</p><p>“Oh, Brian,” the older black woman said. She held out her arms and Brian stood up, hugging her. “It’s really good to see you again. How are you doing?”</p><p>Brian shrugged as he stepped back. “I guess I’m okay…”</p><p>“So are you ready to do this?” Brian nodded slipping back into his chair. “You can stop at any time.” Brian nodded again. “There won’t be any surprises,” Oprah said, sitting down across from him.</p><p>The interview started and Brian stuck to his stories, the answers he had rehearsed. When the question came up about the phone call, Brian surprised himself by answering it. He wasn’t expecting the answer he gave and saw out of the corner of his eye, Pam jotting notes in her file. When the interview was finally over, he felt completely drained. It had only been about an hour, which he knew would be edited down to about ten minutes. He knew he could’ve been way more concise, not paused as much, but he couldn’t help it. It was a difficult thing to talk about. </p><p>As the camera crew packed up, Oprah hugged him once more. She told him she was always available for him. He nodded. After everyone was shown out, Brian collapsed in the chair he had been sitting in. “You okay?” Pam asked. Brian nodded slowly. “You did well.” He glanced up at her. “Well, not as good as some of your other stuff, but given the circumstances.”</p><p>“Do I have to do the rest?” he asked, closing his eyes and rubbing them with his fingers.</p><p>“We could cancel if you want…”</p><p>“No. They’re all probably here already.”</p><p>Pam nodded. “Are you okay with sandwiches for lunch? You haven’t eaten all day.”</p><p>Brian grimaced as he stood up. “Yeah. I’m gonna go take a shower. Clear my head.”</p><p>The next few days were very much the same. Brian would come down to the flurry of strangers in his house setting up for interviews. He’d do them and then he’d pretty much crash. The one he did for <em>Good Morning America</em> was a little different in that they actually walked around outside on his property for part of it. He was grateful for the distraction. Brian spent his nights after Pam went to bed, going through things. He had finally managed to bring himself to go into the Master Suite without help and he spent some time wandering around the room, touching things, remembering how Leighanne would always get on him about getting rid of things but he could never bring himself to do so.</p><p>By the time he had finished with the interviews on Friday, Brian thought he could sleep for a week. He spent Sunday packing. He was actually bringing his suitcase back with him. He was bringing more clothes, but also some more momentos.</p><p>Monday as they boarded the plane, Brian was glad to have all the work behind him. It was the most he had done in nearly a year. He couldn’t believe where the year had gone and the fact that he had hardly done anything in that year. He had to admit though that he had bettered himself and he was in a better place than he was immediately following everything that happened. He was starting to write music again, which was nice. Smiling was still something he struggled with and that was probably the most surprising thing. He had always been the silly one, the funny one, making everyone laugh. And now he felt like he could barely smile himself. He wasn’t sure what was wrong with him.</p><p>The week of the anniversary arrived and Brian promised himself he’d watch his segments. He needed to watch them, he felt. They aired throughout the week and he TiVo’ed each one. On Wednesday, he turned his phone off and alternated between the bedroom he had been working on with his memories of Leighanne and the bedroom he had finally started sleeping in. He spent a good portion of the day curled up under the covers, reminiscing about all the times he and Leighanne had had together. By Saturday, he had digitally recorded all his segments and was grateful he could fast forward through them so he didn’t have to listen to other families talk about that day. He spent the day watching himself, realizing how thin he had gotten, how broken he looked. He was glad he had gone over the questions with Pam because even in his brokenness, he sounded like he knew what he was talking about. His story never wavered. The tears he shed were real. He realized while watching himself that while he still grieved, he needed to move. He was getting stuck in a cycle that he didn’t like. He needed to move through his pain and honor Leighanne’s memory.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter Eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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  <h2>Chapter Eight</h2>
</div><p>Over the next several months, Brian started to push himself. Some days he literally had to drag himself out of bed. He wasn’t going to let his grief get the best of him anymore. He hired a trainer and with their help, he was able to put some weight back on and actually get back into shape. He no longer felt winded taking the stairs to get the mail once a week. By the time his twenty-eighth birthday rolled around, he was feeling fairly normal. On top of the trainer, he had started seeing a therapist to work through the worst of the grief. The therapist came about when he accidentally yelled at Kevin over the Christmas holidays. They had all gotten together at Brian’s parent’s house and over dinner one night, Brian had snapped and yelled at Kevin. The explosiveness of his anger had not only silenced the room but scared Brian. The very next week he found a therapist.</p><p>For his twenty-eighth birthday, Brian spent a quiet day at home in the apartment. He had Chinese food delivered and watched movies. For the first time in about a year and a half, his mind didn’t drift back to Leighanne. His phone rang half a dozen times with birthday wishes from family and friends. His mom especially wanted to check on him, being she hadn't heard from him since Christmas. Oddly, even his therapist called him. When he had asked, she told him that certain dates may be more difficult than others. They had had a good talk about Leighanne’s birthday, their anniversary, the date they met, and how all those dates could trigger a grief response.</p><p>“Could a song trigger a response?” Brian asked, not quite wanting to get off the phone.</p><p>“It definitely could,” she said. “If the song meant something to both of you. What are you thinking?”</p><p>Brian went on to tell her about how he had met Leighanne on the set of the music video for “As Long As You Love Me.” His therapist agreed that there very well could be an emotional response with that song. They agreed to talk more about it at his next session.</p><p>Over his time at home, Brian remembered to check with the management team and his attorney regularly. They had nothing on the books, and for that he was glad. He was able to hopefully get himself to a point that he might be able to entertain the idea of working again. He’d been writing songs and had a few that were actually finished, though he wasn’t sure they were good enough to go anywhere. His songwriting was becoming his way to work through things. A lot of the time it was just pieces of things, but on occasion, it was a full song. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to go back on stage yet, but he might think about recording if the rest of the group wanted to. He didn’t want to push them, and would rather wait until they came to him about it.</p><p>In the summer, Brian headed back to Georgia, to his house there. He actually preferred the humidity in the summer there as opposed to the dry heat that was Los Angeles. His house was still immaculate and for three months, Brian tried to actually be in the house. He stared out back at the pool and realized that that was probably a project he wanted to take on. He walked to what was his studio and thought about another project he might want to accomplish, in connecting the main house to the studio and the gym.</p><p>He sighed as he listened to the silent house. What he really wanted was a family to fill it with noise and excitement. He could host all the parties he wanted, and it still wouldn’t fill that day-to-day need in him. He wasn’t looking for anyone to fill the emptiness in his heart. He didn’t know when he might find someone to help ease the pain of being lonely. He knew no one would ever take Leighanne’s place, but the large emptiness in the house was beginning to wear on him.</p><p>A few months later, Pam contacted him. She wanted to give him as much notice as possible. Apparently, AJ was doing better. He was in talks to appear on <em>The Oprah Winfrey Show</em>. Pam wanted to get all the guys together to support him. But she started with Brian, knowing he would be the hardest to convince. The fact that she was asking him during the week of the two year anniversary was not lost on her either. She just left the voice mail that Monday morning and didn’t bother him for a week.</p><p>This year, Brian was in a better place for the anniversary of his wife’s death. For the first time since that day, he actually watched footage that had been released. He cried when the tower fell and was shocked that there was literally nothing left. He was surprised at the images that came out of what was called “Ground Zero.” In some strange way, it was healing to see some of the footage and images. He knew he wasn’t alone in his grief. There were families all over that were still dealing with it. But at the same time, he felt very alone in it. He was glad he hadn’t come right out and said something. His celebrity at the time was nothing to be rivaled with. He knew that had he jumped on the press that he was sure had hounded Pam relentlessly afterward, things would’ve been different. His story, his wife’s story, would have surpassed all the others. He didn’t want that. He was actually glad he had waited to tell the story. He had chosen not to do any interviews that year but instead gave Pam permission to release a statement that he was doing well and tell the networks that they could use last year’s footage. He had been invited to read Leighanne’s name at the memorial in New York but chose not to. He wasn’t ready to take part in the mass memorial that happened. He hoped someday, but not this year.</p><p>Friday, he listened to the voicemail Pam had left him about AJ. He wanted to take the weekend and really think about it. He knew that even if the focus was on AJ, his tragedy would get mentioned. That was one of the things he hated most about what had happened. He was terrified to be with the group again because how often would that day come up? How many times would he have to tell people he was doing okay? </p><p>Sighing, Brian set down his tea on the coffee table and picked up his notebook. He flipped through it and found a song he had been working on. He read the words over and realized that he had been giving his fears of being together with the group a voice. He reread them and tried to remember the melody. He had made a couple of chord notes at the top of the page. Getting up, he reached for his guitar on the stand and came back to his couch. With his notebook in front of him and his guitar in his lap, he started with the first chord he had jotted and everything came back to him about that particular song. It was half-finished, literally a verse and a chorus. But that was most of what he had in his notebook: half-finished songs that were more him getting things out. The notebook was actually almost full and the pages were beginning to fray, he had worked in it so much. He knew soon, he’d need to get a new one.</p><p>Brian spent the weekend, sorting through his feelings in song. He surprised himself that he had a couple of really angry, up-tempo things come out. He didn’t feel particularly angry, but when he thought about how the media liked to focus on the tragedy and his fears about it always being a topic to be brought up, he realized he was angry. He didn’t want to be the center of attention for the group. The group was the group. They were in it together.</p><p>By Monday, he called Pam back and told her that if the group wanted to do something to support AJ, he was okay with it. Maybe it would lead to a conversation about recording again. Brian knew the stuff in his notebook would likely never be laid down, and he didn’t really care. It was personal to him. But the thought of actually recording with the group again made a part of him quiver that hadn’t in quite some time.</p><p>It was still several more weeks before things were set in motion for the guys to fly to Chicago and record for <em>The Oprah Winfrey Show</em>. AJ was going out there to do it and he thought he was going alone. Kevin had had a great idea that they surprise him on the show and had worked it with Oprah’s producers. Brian was on board for it, yet still apprehensive about appearing with the group and overtaking AJs moment. He spent time on the phone with Pam devising a plan to deflect attention from himself and make sure the attention stayed on AJ.</p><p>Because of the surprise, the four Backstreet Boys were ushered to a different green room to wait. Kevin definitely didn’t want the surprise to get out. When Brian walked in last and the door closed on them, Nick leaned over. “How are you doing?”</p><p>Brian nodded. He really hated that question, but it kept popping up. “Doing okay, I guess.”</p><p>“You look good,” Howie said as Brian ran his hands over his slacks. It was the first time he’d been in a suit since Leighanne’s service and he was already on edge about it.</p><p>“Thanks,” he mumbled.</p><p>“No, Cuz, really.” Brian stared at his cousin. “We weren’t going to say anything at that meeting. But when I saw your interviews last year, you just looked bad, Cuz. Rundown. Worn out.” Kevin sighed and really looked at his younger cousin. “But you look better now.”</p><p>Biting his lip, Brian again mumbled his thanks. </p><p>The show went off exactly the way Kevin had wanted it. Brian only got asked once by Oprah how he was doing lately and he managed to answer and deflect back to AJ flawlessly. Surprisingly, afterward, they all wound up at lunch together talking about possibly going back into the studio.</p><p>“Are you gonna be okay with that, Man?” AJ asked.</p><p>Brian rested his chin on his hand and swirled his straw in his soda. He didn’t really feel like eating. “Yeah. I guess so,” he replied. “I’ve kinda been wanting to get back into the studio. But nothing I’ve written lately has been worthy.”</p><p>“You’ve been writing?” Nick asked.</p><p>Brian nodded. “Yeah, been working on my guitar skills too. It’s been very therapeutic.” Before any of them started applauding him, he added, “I needed something to do in the past two years.”</p><p>“So should we shop around? See what demos are out there?” Kevin asked, bringing the discussion back to the question at hand. Everyone nodded their approval and Brian shrugged. “Okay then, I’ll let management know.”</p><p>“Can we not make this so quick of a record though?” Nick asked. They all turned to look at him. “I mean, our last few have been really quick. Can we take our time and actually make it good?”</p><p>Howie looked at him and then slowly turned back to Kevin. “Yeah, let’s not rush this one. I mean, we’ve already been away from the spotlight for two years, what’s another couple?” AJ nodded his agreement and Brian just shrugged again. The details were beside the point for him.</p><p>By the time they finished lunch, they had agreed to meet in January and start the process of a new record. Brian felt relieved that he knew he was going to have <em>something</em> to do after the holidays. Now he just had to get through them.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter Nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <h2>Chapter Nine</h2>
</div><p>Brian began to really enjoy working again. It felt good to have something to do. He still had to drag himself out of bed most days and he didn’t quite understand why. He still made time for his twice-monthly therapist appointments. They discussed this need at one of his appointments.</p>
<p>“Are you still having nightmares?” his therapist asked.</p>
<p>Brian shrugged. “On occasion. But not lately,” he said. “I just find it difficult most days to get out of bed.”</p>
<p>“Are you dreaming?”</p>
<p>Again Brian shrugged. “Not that I really remember. I tried to keep the dream log like you asked, but they are usually gone by the time I wake.” The woman sitting across from him nodded. “So I stopped.” She nodded again. “So I just don’t know why I don’t want to get out of bed sometimes.”</p>
<p>His therapist consulted her pad in front of her. “Is anything going on with work that could cause you not to want to go?”</p>
<p>Brian shook his head. “No. I’m actually enjoying going to the meetings right now. It’s good to be doing something.”</p>
<p>“But…” she prompted.</p>
<p>“But I know we’re going to record sometime soon and I just don’t know how that’s going to go.”</p>
<p>“Is it any different than before?”</p>
<p>Brian sighed. Of course, it was different. Everything was different. He didn’t say this. Instead, he just turned away. She let him sit and have his time. He finally said, “Everything’s different.” He paused. “Maybe it goes back to that morning?” he asked.</p>
<p>“How so?”</p>
<p>Running a hand over his neck, Brian closed his eyes. They’d been through this before. “I was asleep when it happened. I woke up to a phone call from my cousin about it.”</p>
<p>She nodded seeing the realization cross his face. “So maybe you don’t want to get up because at that moment before you wake up, you’re right back there in that time before it happened?”</p>
<p>Brian nodded. “Yeah. I don’t want to get up because then everything is real again.”</p>
<p>His therapist nodded at him. “You don’t want to get up because while you are still asleep, everything is the way it’s supposed to be. But you can’t stay there.”</p>
<p>Brian sighed and looked at the ground. He did want to live in that place between asleep and awake. That was where everything was perfect. But he knew he couldn’t stay there. Yet, every morning was a struggle. He hoped the more he did it, the easier it would become.</p>
<p>The closer the group got to actually laying down their first song, the more worried Brian got. He worried if he could still do it. He worried if it would take him longer. The first track they decided to lay down, they decided to do it together in Los Angeles. Sometimes they would fly around the world to work with different producers and such. Brian was anticipating this to be the case with this album as well. He knew he could lay down a bunch of his tracks there in town, it just depended upon where. But he also wasn’t going to go against the group if they chose to record elsewhere and wanted him to as well. He would just have to be careful when booking his flights. He wasn’t sure anyone knew about his new quirk, and he wasn’t about to let on yet.</p>
<p>Thankfully the first track was relatively easy. He didn’t have too much of a part in it. But he knew it was the first of about three dozen to record.</p>
<p>Time seemed to move slowly with this record. There were times when Brian would be at home, writing and he’d get a call from one of the guys saying they wanted to talk. They would chat for a bit and Brian would drop back into his songs. He had just started a new notebook and was enjoying the fresh take on things.</p>
<p>There were a couple of times they all got together in Los Angeles and actually wrote songs together. Brian didn’t know if they would record any of them or not, but it felt good to actually be involved in the process. He’d written and co-written a few songs in the past that had actually made the cut onto albums, so he knew that there was always a ton that got left on the floor and either never recorded or never left the studio. On a very rare occasion, they would be added as a bonus track for an international release. That always unnerved him. Sure they got their start overseas, but it seemed like they always left their American fans out.</p>
<p>Late one morning, he was at the studio Jade worked at. He was fortunate that she was his engineer that day. “So, Brian, are you ready for me to preserve that tape for you?” she asked as they walked down the hallway together. Her long braids cascaded down her back.</p>
<p>“Not yet,” he said, unconsciously reaching into his pocket to roll the tape in his fingers.</p>
<p>“You still carry it, I see,” she stated, glancing at him and smiling.</p>
<p>“Not as much anymore,” he admitted. </p>
<p>As they continued to walk, a blonde woman with her hair in a ponytail squeezed by him. “‘Scuse me,” she whispered as she blushed crimson and ducked her head.</p>
<p>Brian glanced over his shoulder at her as they continued walking. “Who’s that?”</p>
<p>Jade smiled again. “Oh, that’s Madison. Madi. She’s new. But she’s super talented. Really has an ear. If you get to record with her, you’ll like her.”</p>
<p>Brian followed Jade to the recording booth and sat down with her to listen to the tracks that had already been laid down. It took him a couple of hours to get everything the way it should be. He knew he’d have to come back after the song was pieced together to put in his ad-libs, but for the time being, he was done. As he was leaving, he ran into Madi again. She smiled at him and again ducked her head and hurried away. Brian could tell that she knew who he was. That was likely the reason she was being so shy around him.</p>
<p>Two weeks later, Brian was checking his email on his new laptop. There was a message from Howie. They had found a song they wanted to record but wanted to make sure Brian was okay with it first. Brian opened the song and his heart broke when he read the words. The song was called “Safest Place to Hide.” Brian almost vetoed it right away but continued reading it. He then got another email while he was still reading the lyrics. It was from Kevin. “Hey Cuz,” he said. “I know this song may be hard, but I really think it’ll be good, especially with your voice. Let us know if you’re in. You could lay it down there in LA if you wanted.”</p>
<p>Brian reread the lyrics and then finally agreed to actually listen to the demo before agreeing to record it. He called Jade, but she said she was busy but would set a time for him with Madi so he could listen. Heading to the studio to listen to the demo, he sighed. He had printed the lyrics and brought them with him. Signing in, Madi was waiting for him. She smiled warmly when she introduced herself. “You know who I am,” Brian said after he introduced himself.</p>
<p>She blushed and turned her head, her low ponytail swishing behind her. “Yeah. It’s the one downfall of working here. I’m embarrassed easily by meeting someone famous.” She stood and led him down to a studio.</p>
<p>“But it makes for great stories,” Brian said, following her.</p>
<p>Madi giggled nervously. “Yeah, I get to tell my friends how stuck up this celeb is or how annoying this one is.”</p>
<p>“Or how normal this one is?” Brian suggested as they walked into the room together.</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” she said, sitting behind the board of buttons and dials. “Are you normal?”</p>
<p>Brian shrugged as he sat down in a chair across the room. “I like to think I am.”</p>
<p>Madi spun in her chair to face the board. “So Jade said you wanted to hear a demo before you recorded it…”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” he said, fingering the paper in his hand.</p>
<p>Madi shrugged and cued up the song. Brian sat there and listened. He closed his eyes and tried to hear the guys’ voices in places other than the songwriter. “Again, please,” he asked, as the song finished. Without a word, Madi played it again. Brian looked at the lyrics this time through. When the recording ended, he said, “Just the first verse and chorus?” Madi nodded and did as requested. The room fell into silence and Brian reread the lyrics.</p>
<p>“It’s a hard one, isn’t it?” Madi asked. Brian nodded. “You know, I could make it more comfortable for you to record. Whatever you need.” Brian glanced up at her. “I’ve done fully decorated six-foot Christmas trees in July for ambiance for a Christmas recording.” She smiled gently at him.</p>
<p>“Lemme think about it,” Brian said. “But if I do record it, would you be my person?”</p>
<p>Madi turned around in her chair and smiled at him. “I can’t completely clear my schedule, but we can definitely work you in.”</p>
<p>Brian nodded and stood up. He was on the fence about the song, but he could hear himself singing it, so that was a positive. Leaving the studio that day, he felt better after hearing the song, but it still tugged at him.</p>
<p>The next week, he went in to record it. Madi was his engineer and he was grateful. She had already started tea for him and was in the process of lighting candles in the booth when he got there. “Hey, Mister Normal,” she said seeing him in the doorway.</p>
<p>“Is that what you told people?” he asked, clutching the file folder in his hand.</p>
<p>She shrugged as she blew out the match having lit the last candle. “You’re definitely more normal than some.” She walked over to him. “What do you have?” He held out the folder with a shaking hand to her. She took it and opened it, revealing a wedding photo. “Your wife?”</p>
<p>Brian nodded. “Inspiration…” he mumbled.</p>
<p>She nodded and handed it back to him. “Well, whenever you’re ready. The hot pot has water. I picked Jade’s brain on your favorite recording teas. Hope you don’t mind. But this is your time, so…” She shrugged as she left the booth.</p>
<p>Brian took his time preparing himself. Going through his warm-ups, looking at the music stand in front of him, and making sure his lyrics were there. He slid the photo out of Leighanne out of the folder and placed it in the corner of the music stand. Finally, he slipped the headphones on and looked at the window. Madi was sitting behind the board looking at him. “You ready?” her voice said, through the overhead speakers. Brian nodded.</p>
<p>He really didn’t have much to record in this song. A verse. A chorus. And then basic background vocals to the rest of the guys, who had already laid their voices down. But whereas it should’ve only taken him a couple of hours tops, he was struggling. By the end of hour two, Madi suggested a break. The pair walked outside into the crisp spring air, Brian clutching a mug of tea like a lifeline. “Do you see her?” Madi asked. “When you’re singing?” Brian raised an eyebrow. “You close your eyes when you sing. So…”</p>
<p>Brian sighed. He’d always closed his eyes when he sang. But now it seemed different. “Yeah,” he whispered, “sometimes.”</p>
<p>Madi nodded. They walked back inside and Brian went back to work. Another hour in and Madi stopped him. “We’re almost there,” she said. She then disappeared from the window and opened the door behind him. “You sound right there, but you keep dropping off.” She walked around the booth and grabbed a music stand, blowing out the candles that had gone to nearly all wax. “Lemme try something.” She walked around behind the stand he was using and adjusted the one stand in her hand until it was just below eye-level for Brian. “May I?” she asked, reaching over for the photo next to the lyrics. Brian nodded and she gently picked the picture up and placed it on the stand. “Now sing to her.”</p>
<p>Brian looked at Madi and then his eyes drifted to the photo. He unconsciously twisted the ring on his right hand. “Now?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Brian took a breath and sang the words he had been struggling with for the past three hours. Madi smiled at him. “Good. Now do it again but give me a minute to close the door and record it, okay?”</p>
<p>Brian sighed and watched Madi leave. She came back a minute later over the intercom. ‘Whenever you’re ready…” Brian nodded and he heard the music in his headphones. He closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them, looking at Leighanne, he sang the words on the page and felt them at the same time. When he finished, he looked over at Madi. She was smiling with a tissue in her hands dabbing her eyes. “Absolutely perfect.”</p>
<p>A few weeks later, Brian was back in the studio recording with Madi. She was quickly becoming his go-to. They were on a break when Brian received a call from his cousin. “Hey,” Kevin said.</p>
<p>“Hi,” Brian replied, leaning back in the chair watching Madi work over the board. “What’s up?”</p>
<p>Kevin sighed. “I’ve been working with Gary and we have this song…” Brian’s heart dropped into his stomach. “I wrote it for my dad. But…” he paused. “It needs your voice.” There was a long pause. “I’ll understand if you say you can’t do it. But would you give it a read?”</p>
<p>Brian closed his eyes and shook his head slowly. “Yeah, but I can’t promise anything.”</p>
<p>As Brian hung up the phone, Madi glanced back at him. “I know that look,” she said. “I guess we’re done for the day.” Brian nodded. Madi smiled at him as he got up to leave. “It’s okay. You’re scheduled tomorrow too. Easy stuff. I’ll have your tea ready.”</p>
<p>“Thanks,” he said, standing up in a daze.</p>
<p>That night he printed the lyrics Kevin had sent him and sat down on the couch to read them. He only got two lines in before he had to stop. Grabbing the printed sheet, he walked back to the room he had created for Leighanne. It wasn’t much but it was a place he could go to when he needed to be with her memory. He sat there on the floor, surrounded by photos of her, and read the sheet stopping every so often to dry his eyes and read the line again. Kevin had gotten the words so perfect.</p>
<p>It had taken him two days of reading and rereading the lyrics before he finally decided to give the music a listen. He called Madi and set up a time. Sitting there in her booth with her, a cup of tea in his hands and the piano pouring through the speakers, he really felt the weight of the song. He had the lyrics in his lap and could hear what Kevin was talking about. The song needed his range on it; it wouldn’t work with Kev’s deeper tone.</p>
<p>As the music finished, Madi looked at him. “Another hard one?” she asked.</p>
<p>“Not vocally, I don’t think,” Brian admitted. He handed the lyric sheet over to her and she read them over.</p>
<p>“I can see why,” she said softly. She brushed her hair off her shoulder and reached back to tighten her ponytail.</p>
<p>“What do you know?” Brian asked quietly.</p>
<p>Madison shrugged. “What everyone else does. Plus the wedding band on your right hand is a tell too.” She handed him the lyrics. “Jade told me what she did for you.” Brian swallowed and bit his lip. “She sounds like a really amazing lady.”</p>
<p>“She is… was,’ Brian corrected.</p>
<p>“So are you going to record it?”</p>
<p>Brian ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know. Can I hear it again?”</p>
<p>“Sure,” Madi said and turned around to set the music up again. They sat there in silence listening. “If you wanna do it, let me know,” she said as the music ended.</p>
<p>“I’ll keep you posted,” Brian said, sighing as he stood up. He was so conflicted over the song now. He knew Kevin had written it about his father, his own uncle, but the song just really struck a chord with him. He couldn’t get the music out of his head the whole drive home. The lyrics haunted him for two whole days before he finally agreed to record it. Knowing it would be difficult, he literally blocked eight hours with Madi that Saturday. He knew it was gonna cost him a crazy amount in studio fees to book for a full day on a weekend, but he didn’t care. If he was going to record this song, it was going to be right.</p>
<p>Madi met him outside and they went in together. It was apparent she had already been there for a bit. There was already hot water for his tea. “You know if you were anyone else, I’d be in serious trouble for agreeing to this,” she said as she led him inside.</p>
<p>“Sorry,” he mumbled.</p>
<p>“Don’t be,” she said. “But why did you book for so long?”</p>
<p>Brian shrugged. “Call it a hunch.” He clenched a file folder in his hand.</p>
<p>Madi shook her head. “Your call, sir. You’re paying my salary today.”</p>
<p>Brian headed for the tea and made himself a cup before starting his warm-up. By the time he started, he thought he was ready, but two lines in, he was already struggling. He must have stopped and started about six times, never once getting through the first verse. That was when Madi came in and grabbed his hands. “Frustrated?” she asked.</p>
<p>“With myself,” he admitted.</p>
<p>“Understandable. Are you sure you want to go through with this?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” he mumbled.</p>
<p>“Where’s your head at?”</p>
<p>He bowed his head. “Not here.”</p>
<p>“Then where?”</p>
<p>Brian sighed. “The night before…”</p>
<p>“Before?” Madi asked gently. Brian nodded. “Okay, look at me.” She waited until his eyes were on her. “We will never get this done if you keep drifting. We aren’t even twenty seconds in yet. What can I do to help?” Brian tipped his head to the folder on the music stand. Slowly Madi opened the folder. Inside were photos of Leighane and Brian. She smiled as she thumbed through them. Glancing at Brian she nodded. “I get ya. Christmas in July. Here,” she gently took the folder off the stand, “go get some fresh air. Clear your head.”</p>
<p>Brian nodded and slowly walked out of the recording booth. He wasn’t sure what was going on, but he was feeling so off about the song. He was really regretting telling Kevin he’d record it. Stepping outside into the morning sunshine, he tipped his head back and let the sun warm his face. He stayed out there for a bit trying to collect his thoughts. Closing his eyes, he realized he hadn’t really made an attempt at the song yet. He was trying, but it wasn’t what he would call his best. Sighing, he headed back inside, right as Madison was headed out to get him.</p>
<p>“Oh!” she gasped, obviously shocked that he was right there. “I was just coming out to find you. Come on. Let’s see if this helps.”</p>
<p>“Sorry for scaring you,” Brian apologized as they walked. “But I figured I should probably actually give this song a chance. Kevin deserves that much.”</p>
<p>They had reached the booth they were using for the day and Madi held open the door for him. “Well, let’s see if this helps.”</p>
<p>Brian stepped into the small booth and was overcome with emotion. All around him were pictures of himself and Leighanne. Madi had hung them all around the room so that no matter where he looked, there was one of their happier moments. Brian coughed, trying to hold back the tears. </p>
<p>Madi was right there with a box of tissues. “I kinda thought that would be your initial response,” she said, offering him a tissue.</p>
<p>“How did you know?”</p>
<p>Madi bit her cheek. “I lost my boyfriend in a car accident four years ago. We played ‘One Sweet Day’ at his service. I can’t imagine what it must be like to record a song like that. And yet, here you are, trying to. So let’s not focus on the bad and the hurt. Let’s focus on this,” she gestured to the photos. “The happy memories.”</p>
<p>Brian nodded and dabbed at his eyes. “Okay, let’s try. I think I need new tea.”</p>
<p>Madi nodded and headed back to her side of the glass while Brian got new hot tea and came back to his spot in the sound booth. This time, it only took him about three takes, but he managed to get the first verse laid down. He had to stop after it and before he started crying, Madi asked him about one of the photos around him. He gladly told her the story behind the photo, the happy moment with his wife.</p>
<p>They went on like this, hour after hour, verse after verse, line after line. Brian had to take frequent breaks to recenter himself and Madi was always there asking him about another picture. They finally broke for lunch around noon and had Chinese food delivered. They sat together in the breakroom, Brian sipping soup and slowly eating chow mein, while Madi finally gave up on the chopsticks and went for a fork for her rice.</p>
<p>“You know, there is a reason why rice is usually served in a bowl,” Brian said, deftly using his chopsticks to get the noodles to his mouth.</p>
<p>Madi glared at him. “Yeah, Mister World Traveler. Keep talking…”</p>
<p>Brian rolled his eyes at her and they finished their meal in silence. They went back to work and Brian struggled and sang and told stories when he needed to. By around hour seven, Brian was mentally exhausted. His voice was near its breaking point. As he finished his last line, he glanced at Madi, who nodded from her side of the glass, and Brian slowly took the headphones off.</p>
<p>“You wanna hear it?” she asked and he nodded. “Okay. Rest up your voice and why don’t you take down your photos while I play around for a minute.” he nodded again and got up looking around the room. Slowly, he went to each photo and carefully removed it from its location. After a few minutes., Madi’s voice was back over the speaker. “I don’t have all the parts, and there’s obviously some cleanup to do, but here ya go.” Brian stopped moving around the room and found a stool to sit on while he heard the piano start on the song. He knew it was just a rough edit. Madi didn’t have all the parts needed to put it together, nor was she the producer of the song, but she had enough of the other guys’ parts and the music to put it together. As Brian sat there listening, tears dripped from his eyes. He wiped them with the back of his hand, but more seemed to fall. He didn’t hear Madi come in but leaned his head on her shoulder when she wrapped her arm around him. </p>
<p>As the music stopped, he picked his head up and looked at her. “Thank you,” he whispered hoarsely.</p>
<p>“You’re welcome,” she said softly. “Now go home and rest. Your voice is shot. I understand why you wanted to get this done, but still.” Brian nodded slowly, wiping his face again. He stood up and grabbed his file folder. “I know they’ll likely need more from you for this. I’m gonna send them everything so that hopefully they won’t need as much.” Brian nodded and slowly headed out of the booth. Madi walked with him outside and said, “Are you sure you’re going to be okay to drive home?” It was late afternoon. Brian nodded. He climbed in his car and slowly backed out of the spot he had parked in.</p>
<p>Once he arrived home, Brian started himself some honey tea with lemon and curled up on the couch. That song had drained him. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. He spent the rest of the evening nursing his voice, having broth, drinking tea, and generally not saying anything.</p>
<p>By the next morning, the weight of the song had hit him. He spent most of the day curled up in bed, the song running through his head over and over again. Thankfully his phone only rang once and when he croaked out an answer, Madi immediately apologized.</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” he groaned, trying to clear his throat. “Just need more tea.” He reached for his cup and sputtered as he attempted to drink it because it was cold.</p>
<p>“I really shouldn’t have called,” she said. “You wore yourself out yesterday. I mean, I understand why you did it, but we all know eight hour days are not good on your voice.”</p>
<p>Brian grabbed his cup from the microwave as it beeped and blew on it, his cell phone leaned on his shoulder. “It’s not bad,” he squeaked. “But yeah, probably not a good idea. So what did you call for?”</p>
<p>“Oh, just seeing how you left yesterday, I wanted to make sure you were okay,” she rambled. </p>
<p>Brian sipped his tea before answering, his voice a little stronger. “I’ll be okay, I think. I just need some time.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” she mumbled. “Well, I’ll call you when they want you back for final touches, okay?”</p>
<p>“Okay,” replied Brian. “Oh, and thanks for checking on me.”</p>
<p>“You’re welcome.”</p>
<p>They hung up and Brian sat there, his brain running the song lyrics through his head and matching images of his wife. As he sipped his tea and allowed himself the time to experience the memories. That night he wasn’t surprised he had nightmares and hardly slept. He spent the next few days trying to get himself back together. Kevin called him later that week and thanked him for recording and told him it was really going to be an amazing song. Brian sighed as he hung up from his cousin. He had to agree, it probably was going to be an amazing song. It would likely make the album. Brian just hoped it wouldn’t make any setlist for any tour they did. He didn’t need <em>another</em> song he couldn’t get through.</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter Ten</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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  <h2>Chapter Ten</h2>
</div><p>Brian stared at the list of songs in front of him. He sighed and looked up at the other four men around the table. There were also a couple of others who were there to help them whittle down the list to a good set of a dozen songs or so. Everyone was staring at him. They were down to the last few songs. He closed his eyes and sighed. “I don’t know guys, really,” he said finally.</p>
<p>“Come on, Bri. It’s the perfect song for this album,” Nick pleaded.</p>
<p>They were arguing over “Never Gone,” the song Kevin had written. It had already been played in the room a while ago, and it had reduced Brian to a puddle of tears. He had had to walk out at that point to get some air.</p>
<p>“It would make a great title too,” Howie added. “People have thought we broke up, disappeared from the scene.”</p>
<p>Brian placed a hand to his forehead. He knew the thought of them breaking up was partly his fault, but he had no choice. And now there was this song. It was so hard on him now. When it had finally been finished, Kevin sent it to him. Madi had pulled him in on a Saturday to listen to it. They had spent a good hour, locked in a room passing the tissue box as they both cried their own tears over their losses as the song played on repeat. That time together seemed to increase the bond they had forming. Their shared grief kept them talking. Every few days one of them would call the other, just to check-in.</p>
<p>“Let’s take a break and we’ll talk more about it okay?” said Dan, one of the execs in the room. </p>
<p>Everyone stood up and Brian rushed out of the room. Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he flipped it open and quickly dialed Madi’s number. Putting the phone to his ear, he walked and listened to the rings, hoping to get outside before anyone could hear him. “Hey,” he said when she finally answered. He hadn’t quite reached the door to outside yet, but he was pretty sure no one was behind him.</p>
<p>“I take it things aren’t going too well,” she said, hearing his voice.</p>
<p>“We’re to ‘Never Gone,’” he sighed. “I just don’t know what to do.” He pushed the door to the outside open and walked a few feet to the side, stopping at a bench.</p>
<p>“What does your gut say?” she asked as he sat down, holding the phone to his ear.</p>
<p>He stared at the ground. “I don’t know.”</p>
<p>There was a pause. “So is it the fact that this song might be on the album or is it the fact that if it is, you might have to perform it?”</p>
<p>Brian groaned. “How do you do that?” he asked.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“Know what I’m thinking?”</p>
<p>He could hear her grin on the other end. “Not sure. But I sure am loving it right about now.” She giggled and then added, “So which is it? Because if you answer that, you’ll have the answer to the bigger question.”</p>
<p>He groaned. “It’s performing it.”</p>
<p>“So then why are you haggling about it now? If you guys go on tour and it comes up, deal with it then.”</p>
<p>“You’re right,” he agreed as he headed back inside. “So are you coming over tonight?”</p>
<p>“That was the plan, wasn’t it? Movie night?”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Brian said with a small smile. “I’ll call you when I’m home.” He hung up as he walked in the door and Nick stared at him.</p>
<p>“Was that Madi?” he teased. Brian’s eyes narrowed. “Come on Bri! We all know you have a thing for her,” Nick continued.</p>
<p>“I do not have a thing for her,” Brian snarled as he sank down in the chair next to Kevin.</p>
<p>The rest of the guys in the group exchanged a look. “Well, that answers that question,” AJ said with a smirk.</p>
<p>“He does…” Howie whispered to him, just loud enough for Brian to hear.</p>
<p>Kevin placed a hand on Brian’s forearm. “It’s been three years, Cuz…” he said softly. Brian glanced sideways. “You are allowed to date again.”</p>
<p>Brian glowered at his cousin. “Can we just get back to this? I’m fine with the song, but if it comes up for the tour, I’m vetoing it.”</p>
<p>* * *</p>
<p>Brian was frozen to the core having just gotten out of the Pacific Ocean. He had had a wet suit on under his clothes to help keep him from freezing to death, but a wave had splashed him and gone down his back. He was wrapped up in a bunch of towels trying to warm himself before heading to the trailer to change. He managed to get there and slowly began peeling off his wet clothes and depositing them in a pile. As he dried off, he pulled on sweats before going and standing in front of a heater to try and warm himself up. As he finally felt more than frigid, he slid his tennis shoes on and went over to watch the footage. The director, Joseph Kahn, whom they’d worked with on other projects, was staring at the monitor.</p>
<p>“Oh, hey Brian. You look like you’re drowning here.”</p>
<p>Brian watched the footage roll again of the wave cresting over his head. “I wasn’t expecting that one,” he replied automatically. “It went down my back.”</p>
<p>“It’s good though,” Joseph went on. “Really captures the emotion of the song.” Brian glanced sideways at the director. “We’re done,” he said, “unless you wanna go for another swim.”</p>
<p>“No, I’m good,” Brain replied as he slowly backed away hearing the assistant director call it a wrap. He trudged away to his car and had to sit there for a bit before he started it. What Joseph had said to him unnerved him a bit. He hadn’t had any thoughts like that in a while. But it had felt oddly satisfying to have that wave wash over him. It felt like everything did right then: ironic and poetic. That wave was like all the emotion he had kept locked inside for the past three years. </p>
<p>As he drove home, he couldn’t wait to get there so he could call Madi and have her come over. He just needed her ear as she was a good sounding board for his feelings. In the time that it took him to call her when he got home till the time she arrived, he was able to run through the shower and warm up. They spent the evening wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, the television on low, Brian mumbling about how it was weird that the director had pointed out the wave.</p>
<p>“I can’t wait to see this video,” she said after Brian had mumbled on about it.</p>
<p>“Why?” he asked.</p>
<p>She smiled at him. “Because with as many times as you have called me at two in the morning lately…” She sighed. “I know this whole process is difficult for you,” she told him, putting her hand on his knee over the blanket. “This is your life and trying to do that with a gaping hole is hard. I know. Every day I drive to work I feel like another piece of me is dying.”</p>
<p>“Every time I sing…” Brian breathed.</p>
<p>“Does anything make it better?” Madi asked, turning her green eyes to look into Brian’s blue ones.</p>
<p>Brian took a slow breath. He knew what made it better. “You…” he breathed.</p>
<p>* * *</p>
<p>Brian stood outside of the door of the conference room. He was dreading going inside. The photo of him and Madi had been splashed far and wide around the fandom and beyond. He knew that was part of the reason they had called this meeting. The other part was what to do with the setlist. He was not looking forward to either conversation. Slipping inside the door, he felt awkward when the conversation suddenly died.</p>
<p>“Hey Bri,” Kevin said, looking up at him.</p>
<p>Brian bit his lip as he sat down.</p>
<p>“So Bri…” Nick started. Brian glared at him. Nick snapped his mouth shut before he could say anything else.</p>
<p>“It’s good to see out there again,” Howie said softly.</p>
<p>Brian slowly took a seat next to Howie. “Well, it’s been a bit,” he replied. There had been a few photos published of him and Madi around town. People were starting to question and speculate that they might be together. Brian wasn’t going to deny them, especially since it was truthful, but he wasn’t about to be all out in the public eye either.</p>
<p>“Ignore Nick,” Howie said. “He’s just glad you took the pressure off of him and his relationship with Paris.”</p>
<p>“We broke up months ago!” protested Nick.</p>
<p>“See…” Howie whispered.</p>
<p>Brian shook his head as AJ started in on him too. “But seriously, Rok, who is this chick?”</p>
<p>Brian sighed. “She’s the one who helped me record this album out here.”</p>
<p>“She knew you?” Nick asked, surprised</p>
<p>Sucking on his lip, Brian was kinda glad this conversation was happening now. “Like most out here do. She’s not like a crazy fan or anything.”</p>
<p>Howie placed a hand on his shoulder. “Well, I’m glad to see you getting out.”</p>
<p>Brian rolled his eyes. “Apparently the whole world is…”</p>
<p>The room of people laughed. Kevin placed a hand on Brian’s shoulder. “You deserve to be happy, Cuz.” </p>
<p>Everyone nodded and Brian glanced down at the list in front of him. “So I’ve been thinking…” Brian started. He took a breath. “I know we want to incorporate ‘Never Gone’ into this show, but I just can’t…” He paused and looked at Kevin. “I know how much it means to you, Kev. But it’s so hard for me to sing.” Everyone in the room nodded. “What if we did it as a video treatment?” he finally suggested.</p>
<p>“Like show that we’ve never been gone from the scene?” Howie suggested. “Old footage and whatnot.”</p>
<p>Brian shrugged. “Something like that. It could be towards the end, maybe…”</p>
<p>Everyone glanced down at the sheets in front of them before Kevin finally added, “If you're sure you’re okay with it.” Brian nodded slowly. “Then let’s add it to the treatment plan and finalize this thing.”</p>
<p>They all set to work and when Brian left that night, he felt better. The biggest issue that was holding him had been decided. The weight that he had been feeling over it had been lifted and he had a slight spring in his step as he headed to dinner that night. Madi was waiting for him at their favorite restaurant in the area and they had a quiet dinner, sharing about their days. As he walked her to her car, he said, “You know, planning for this release and tour is a little unnerving.” Madi nodded. “But having you with me, has made it better.”</p>
<p>“I’m glad,” she said as she reached into her purse for her keys.</p>
<p>“So have you given any thought to what I suggested?”</p>
<p>“I have,” she said, looking at the ground. “It’s kinda a lot to take in.”</p>
<p>Brian grabbed her hands and held her close to him. “I know, but this way we could be together. You’d still get to do what you love to do. And with your ear, the show would probably be amazing.”</p>
<p>“And I would see the show a bazillion times!”</p>
<p>“And then tell me how awful I am every time…” Brian said leaning over and kissing her forehead.</p>
<p>“You wouldn’t be awful,” she mumbled.</p>
<p>Brian slowly moved his lips to hers and kissed her gently. “You haven’t seen me perform yet.”</p>
<p>Madi smiled as they broke away. “You can’t be <em>that</em> awful in person. I hardly have to play with your vocals.”</p>
<p>Brian tipped his head to the side. “Well, unfortunately, there's no fixing me when it’s live.”</p>
<p>“Probably wouldn’t need to then, either,” she teased him, kissing him on the cheek. “I’ll think about it. I promise.” She pulled herself away from him and turned to open her door.</p>
<p>“I’ve got another proposition for you,” he said, placing his hand on her door keeping it closed.</p>
<p>Slowly Madi turned around. Leaning back against her car, she said, “What?”</p>
<p>Smiling slightly, Brian said, “Move in with me.” Madi’s eyes widened. “You already have keys. You’re over all the time.”</p>
<p>Madi blushed and looked down at the ground. “I don’t know. It’s like a big step.”</p>
<p>Brian nodded. “I know,” he whispered. “Think about that too.”</p>
<p>“I will,” she said, kissing him on the cheek. “I should get going. I’ve got work in the morning.”</p>
<p>Brian backed away. He pouted. “I guess I’ll sleep alone tonight,” he teased.</p>
<p>Placing a hand on one side of his face, Madi kissed his cheek. “You’ll survive one night.” She backed up. “Besides, if I move in and go on tour with you, you’ll get tired of me, I promise.”</p>
<p>He smiled as she opened her door and climbed in. “Not a chance,” he said before closing the door for her. He stood there and watched as she drove away before wafting to his car, hardly feeling the pavement under his feet.</p>
<p>* * *</p>
<p>Brian took his time getting ready that night. He’d gone through all the rehearsals, and final sound checks that day and thought he felt ready. But as he stood there in the dressing room staring at his “costume” for the opening set, he sighed. Twisting the ring on his right hand, he glanced back at the hangers with the tags designating each change. They were blue. His color. He closed his eyes and tried to block out the memory of the last time he did this. His tags had been white with his initials on them back then.</p>
<p>He heard the knock on the door and it cracked open. He saw Nick standing there, stage-ready. “Hey,” Nick said, “Twenty minutes?”</p>
<p>Brian closed his eyes and shook his head slowly.</p>
<p>Nick nodded. “Backstreet Time,” he smiled. “Got it.” Nick closed the door and Brian walked over to the rack. He fingered the fabric. Slowly he changed clothes. It took him a while to make sure everything was correct. </p>
<p>As he headed out to join the rest of the guys, Madi found him. She slipped her hand into his as they walked. She was dressed all in black, tour tee shirt tucked in that said Crew underneath the logo. A lanyard was around her neck and she had a headset too. Her hair was a bun at the back of her head.</p>
<p>“Memories?” she asked as they walked. He nodded. “You’re always going to have those twinges. Things that make you remember. But you’re making new ones.” He nodded as he found the rest of the group. They said nothing at Brian’s blank expression or that Madi was next to him. She pulled him away from the larger group of people gathering for a moment. Grabbing his hands, she looked at him. “You can do this,” she said. “I know you can. Everyone is rooting for you. They want to know that you are okay.” Brian nodded slowly. “Show them that you are okay.” He nodded again, and the pair of them joined the larger circle of the band and the rest of the group. Kevin offered the prayer that night and as they all broke away, Madi again pulled Brian back. “I’ve gotta go make sure you sound good,” she said.</p>
<p>He smiled as he took a deep breath. “I know,” he said.</p>
<p>“You can do this,” she said softly, as he pulled her into a hug.</p>
<p>“Thanks,” he said softly, kissing her lips.</p>
<p>They both froze as they heard the video start. “Guess that’s our cue,” she said. Brian nodded. “Good show?”</p>
<p>Brian smiled at her before kissing her again. “Great show,” he replied. They separated and ran off in different directions. Brian closed his eyes before ascending the stairs with the guys. Kevin put a hand on his shoulder. Howie reached over and touched him and so did Nick. He glanced at all of them as the band took over and they started the slow walk to the screams of the fans down the stairs together. Each step was a heartbeat and Brian knew he could do it. This was his life. It was different than what it was before. But he was ready to push forward. The darkness that was always there was surrounded by so much more light. He stopped on the beat, heard the screams in the pause and the lights fully came up on the show. He was “home” on this stage. It wouldn’t be the same, but it was home.</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Epilogue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>You might need some tissues with this... just warning you.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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  <h2>Epilogue</h2>
</div><p>September 12, 2011</p><p>Brian Littrell wandered around down the long parapet memorial looking for the one name he needed to read. He had gotten directions from one of the staff who had been extremely supportive and caring in telling him the location. He had started at one end and walked slowly, reading name after name of those who had died in Tower One. After about thirty minutes of reading the names etched into the stone, he finally found it. On the corner was the name he wanted, “Leighanne R. Littrell.” It was one of the eighty-eight names from Flight Eleven, inscribed next to Danny’s. He glanced down the way at the woman with the five-year-old boy leaning over the edge of the memorial as best he could to see where the water went. The two-year-old blonde girl in her arms.</p><p>Slowly, Brian reached out and touched the letters engraved there. He fought the tears back momentarily as his fingers ran over every letter individually. It felt very strange seeing her name on something for the first time in a decade. He’d never had a place to go to. He’d been back to New York several times over the years but had always avoided Ground Zero. It never felt right. He listened to the water falling into the center of the memorial. For some reason, it felt tranquil, even with the hustle and bustle going on around him.</p><p>He thought about his week and all that he had done. He’d made it to every news station there in New York it seemed. He’d done talk shows and radio shows. Magazines were finally printing his interviews this week. So much had gone on and he hadn’t really intended to be in New York for the tenth anniversary. But the call had come from Pam. They were asking him to participate in the Reading of the Names. They had asked him every year since two thousand three. And every year he had turned them down. But this year seemed different. He wasn’t sure what it was. Maybe it was where he was at personally. Maybe it was the fact they had completed the memorial. Maybe it was the fact that Pam had about a dozen other possibilities for him and they all wanted him in New York. He wasn’t sure what made him say yes.</p><p>The whole week had been draining and he wasn’t even sure how he had made it to all his interviews and appointments on time. By the time Sunday got there, he was just about to the point of exhaustion. He didn’t remember much about what had happened. He remembered the moments of silence. He remembered reading Danny’s name. He choked on Leighanne’s and could barely get the words out. He was grateful he was met by a hug by another family member as he stepped from the podium. For the first time since that day he felt like there was someone else who understood his pain. He knew there were others, but that hug as he stepped down and tried to compose himself was what he needed. He knew the world was watching him and he didn’t care. </p><p>He had stayed through the whole ceremony, having watched it on television every year since the first time they had asked him seven years prior. He was moved beyond measure to be there for the opening of the memorial. He had escaped as soon as the ceremony was over though. He didn’t want to put his bodyguard out. There were already thousands of people there and his status would make it near impossible for him to do much. He had gone back to his hotel and curled up in bed, falling asleep from working so much and the emotional strain of the day.</p><p>The next morning, he had decided to go down to the memorial and actually spend some time there. That was where he found himself now, tracing the letters of Leighanne’s name. He could see people out of the corner of his eye. They looked like fans. But thankfully they stayed away. Slowly the tears trickled out of his eyes. He found it difficult to find his voice, but softly he began to speak.</p><p>“Hi, Hon. It’s strange to see your name again.” Brian paused. He ran his fingers over the last name, his last name. “I never wanted to see your name in a place like this. It feels wrong.” He clenched his fist at his side. He didn’t want to be angry right now. But it felt like everything was finally breaking through. “That morning… That morning when I left…” He swallowed hard and wiped at the tears in his eyes. “I never thought it would be the last time I would see you.” Brian looked up and into the water in the middle. He took a breath and traced her name again. “So much has happened,” he said quietly. “I thought I’d never be able to do the things I used to do. But we recorded an album, three actually, since you’ve been away. Kevin decided he needed a break from the group. He left right after my first tour back. He started a family with Kristin. They have a four-year-old boy, Mason. Kev’s coming back to the group though. Howie married Leigh, finally. They have a one-year-old little boy, James.” Brian sighed.</p><p>“You’d be proud of me, Baby. I went back and played The Garden in Boston in June. We’ve been on tour with New Kids on the Block. It actually feels fun again.” He coughed and tried to keep from tearing up. “But, The Garden. It used to be the Fleet Center. That was where you saw your last show with us.” He looked up at the sky. “That was such a stupid argument. I’m so sorry,” he cried, his head dropping to the slanted stone. He stayed there a moment, letting the tears fall from his eyes. “I wish you hadn’t’ve gotten on that plane!” he cried. “I told you I had a bad feeling about it. I just… I just…” He sniffed, pulling himself upright. “I just never thought I’d be right…” he whispered.</p><p>Brian slid his hand into his pocket and fingered the empty cassette. Even though the tape had been preserved and he had both a digital copy and CD, he still carried the clear plastic case with him at times. It wasn’t all the time anymore, just when he knew things would be stressful, like now. “Thank you,” he choked out. “Thank you for calling the house that morning. I don’t know if you did it intentionally or not, but it was such a gift.”</p><p>He glanced again down at the two children. Sighing, he placed his hands so his fingers touched the letters of Leighanne’s name. “Please don’t be upset,” he whispered. “But I found someone new. She’ll never replace you. But she’s brought me some peace. She understands my life, much like you did. She’s been such a blessing. She’s given me two wonderful kids. The house is a home again, much like you wanted it. I’ve still got the place in LA because I seem to be there on occasion and I hate having to find a place to stay.” He sighed. </p><p>He laid his head down on the cool stone and stood there for a moment. Straightening up, he wiped his face. “I love you, Baby. I always will.”</p><p>Brian glanced down at the woman with the two children and she smiled at him. Walking over with the two kids, Brian smiled back. He saw the little boy break into a run. Brian scooped him up and hugged him. Glancing down at where his father was standing, the little blonde boy became confused. “Daddy, why is sister’s name there?”</p><p>Brian’s breath caught in his throat. He’d been expecting the question. “It’s not your sister. It’s who she’s named after.” He turned, holding the boy on his hip, and pointed to the name. “That was who Daddy was married to before he met Mommy.”</p><p>“What happened to her?”</p><p>Biting his lip, Brian took a deep breath before continuing. “You see this wall, Baylee?” The boy looked out at the black wall surrounding the water feature in the middle. “It used to be a building. A really tall building. Over a hundred stories tall.” He let that fact sink in before adding, “Ten years ago, some bad men took the plane Leighanne was riding in and crashed it into this building.”</p><p>“Did she die?” Baylee asked.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Is she in heaven?” Brian nodded, fresh tears brimming in his eyes. “Then why are you sad, Daddy? She’s with Jesus.” Brian forced a smile on his face. He loved the innocence of his children. Looking up, he locked eyes with his wife.</p><p>“Are you ready?” she asked him, readjusting the little girl on her hip.</p><p>Brian nodded, slowly dropping Baylee to the ground and taking his hand after messing with his blonde curls. “Daddy?” the little boy asked.</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“Are we going to the Statue of Liberty now?”</p><p>Brian smiled down at the boy. “Tomorrow, Son. Now we’re going to the Empire State Building.”</p><p>The family walked through to the street where Brian’s bodyguard was waiting with a minivan and a driver. As the two parents buckled the kids into car seats Brian looked over at his wife. They climbed in behind the driver and Brian’s bodyguard riding shotgun. “Thank you,” Brian whispered, leaning his head on her shoulder.</p><p>Madi smiled at him and slid her hand into his. “Of course. At least you have a place to visit now.”</p><p>Brian looked at the memorial before they drove away. “Yeah,” he said softly twisting the ring on his right hand. “Finally.”</p>
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